What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An Irrelephant.
6:30 is the best time on the clock
Hands down
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had loco motives
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.
I bought a wooden car today.
Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition. Wooden start.
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I just don’t understand why she feels that way.
Why did the blind girl fall into the well?
She couldn’t see that well
I’d like to start dieting…
…but I just have too much on my plate right now.
I saw a post in my feed about avoiding procrastination
"Saved For Later"
I find radishes to be kind of cool.
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I found out that missing eyebrows is an odd genetic trait in our family.
Dad didn't look surprised when I told him.
When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.
But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart…
So, John decides to come up to me one day – out of the blue – and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends – again, me. “So, I saw your father yesterday.” This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John would have happened to cross paths. “You did?” I asked. “Did you see him… at work?” “Yes, I did,” John said, haughtily. “And I told him all the embarrassing things that you do in class.” What an odd way to phrase that, I thought. “Uh huh,” I said. “That’s odd, because he didn’t mention anything last night when he got home.” “Well, maybe that’s because he was so shocked by what I told him,” John said, doubling down. “Tell me, John,” I said, slowly. “Did you just run into him at work, or were you a patient?” John, obviously not expecting this question, answered. “I was a patient.” I nodded. “That’s interesting, John.” “Why?” “Because my father is a gynecologist.”
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
I was addicted to soap
But now I'm clean
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
whats the biggest problem while buying a pencil?
2B or not 2B
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance
Unfortunately she blew it
Student: Can I borrow a pencil?
Teacher: I don't know, can you borrow a pencil? Student: Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking you whether I can borrow a pencil. Teacher: Possibly so, in colloquial speech. Discerning context can help us decipher the nuance of each sentence on a case-by-case basis. However, as your teacher, my task is to teach you the intricacies and nuances of the English language with rigor, so that you may have a greater mastery of the language in order to effectively and precisely control what you want to communicate. In this case, the difference between the words "can" and "may". Student: Point taken. May I borrow a pencil? Teacher: No, you may not. The state cut funding for education again.
My friend with the lazy eye just lost his job as a teacher.
He had a real hard time controlling his pupils.
What is often at the beginning of a question
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So I woke up to a blowjob this morning
It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
What is E.T. short for?
Cause he has little legs!
What did E.T.’s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Republicans trying to find just 1 witness willing to defend Trump’s innocence under oath
https://ift.tt/37jeC5j
A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service.
Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi. “Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.” “Yes,” answered the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked. “A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up, and when we have enough we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.” “Oh,” replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he’d go on, in the traditional obnoxious way… “Rabbi, what about all these cookie purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the cookies?” “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up all the crumbs from the cookies and when we have enough we send them in a box back to the manufacturer. Every now and then, they send a box of cookies.” “Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?” “Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.” “The IRS?” asked the auditor in disbelief. “Ahh, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “the IRS. And about once a year they send us a little dick like you.”