What do you call an elephant who doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2
The devil visits a politician and makes him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil says. "I'll get you billions of dollars, unlimited political influence, and anything else you can dream of. All I ask for in return is death, disease and poverty for millions of people around the world." The politician thinks for a moment and says, “What's the catch?"
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
She hasn’t realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin…
The Queen just knighted the first cow in history.
He is Sirloin.
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?
In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
If you *still* don’t see the con, you’re probably one of his 62,985,134 marks
https://ift.tt/2RWnJny
A naked woman robbed a bank
Nobody could remember her face
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow…
An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?" "Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago." "I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
What’s the difference between In-Laws and Outlaws
Outlaws are wanted.
I have the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from London Zoo.
A man walks into a suit shop…
[M] And asks to try on some of the suits. The salesman obliges and gives him some options. The customer, however, hates all the options and after an hour of trying them on, throws the suits down in disgust. “These are all terrible!” The customer cries. Exasperated, the salesman throws his hands in the air and says, “Fine, suit yourself!”
Why are the stakes so high?
Because the cows ate a lot of grass.
The wife asked if she could wear one of my wife beaters today…
I was like "Yeah, knock yourself out".
kids dumb, technology bad ~ trans: there aren’t any icons to click! it’s a blackboard!
https://ift.tt/3eY0TEP
What do computers and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless after opening windows.
My wife left me because I’m too insecure…
No wait, she's back She just went make a cup of coffee..
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping
They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Sherlock wakes up Watson and says: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.” Watson replies with: “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes says: “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson thinks for a minute before responding: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes looks at Watson before responding: “No you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent.”
My wife told me to take the spider out
We had a good night, he was nice, wants to be a web developer
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
The only doctors we can afford for now! [received from a friend south of the border]
https://ift.tt/2xjbhpm
I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said “Remove cap and push up bottom”
It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.
By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the Bible correctly:
"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Leviticus 20:13 esv]
How do you turn a three dimensional printer into a four dimensional printer?
Just give it time.
Wife: “I have blisters on my hands from the broom”.
Husband: "Take the car next time, silly!"
What do lawyers wear to work?
A lawsuit.
A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him