What do you call an incel in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile.
Nature is starting to have more graphics in video games.
Nature is starting to have more graphics in video games.
A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question
"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?" The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond. She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the class what you think freedom is dear" The little boy comes up to the front of the class and the teacher hands him a big thick dictionary of english. "Go on dear, find us the definition of freedom" The boy arrives at the section for F and finds the definition. "Freedom means doing whatever you want whenever you feel like it with total disregard for others no matter the consequences it has for the people around you or the destruction it causes. Freedom is the broken record answer you give to end every reasonable arguement where someone tries to get you to do something you don't feel like doing." The teacher is shocked, The class looks up stunned and confused and the little boy bows his head in dissapointment, tears filling his eyes. About to console the little boy, the teacher notices the cover of the dictionary and beams a bright smile. "Don't worry class!" she rejoices, "That one is American English" Made in response to all the lockdown protestors in America who won't stfu and stop putting their country to shame. They don't define America Edit: I'm confused by the angry Americans, Why come to r/jokes without your sense of humour. It's not meant as a slight to america as a whole, just that small group who are protesting the lockdowns.
After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well…
During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.
Two termites walk into a bar and ask
Is the bar tender here?
Gandhi
Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them. I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure Gandhi banged every single one of those chicks.
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she had ever slept with.
She said “Yes…. all the other guys were nines or tens”
Son: Hey Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?
Dad: No I got shot in the leggy.
A year ago, my physician told me I would be going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.
Getting ladies to stop eating Tide pods was relatively easy.
But for whatever reason, it was much more difficult to deter gents.
Why are tight pants like a cheap hotel?
No ballroom
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it. I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the doctor where I should put my pants.
"Over there, next to mine" wasn't the answer I was expecting.
A farmer asked his dad if he could round up his 36 sheep
“Sure,” said the dad “40.”
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, 'My door is always open!'
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
If Mustard cured constipation …..
They'd have to spell it different.
A man walks into a bar
So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?” And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.” So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.” And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?” Edit: So apparently there was a joke like this a month ago and I didn't notice, this wasn't a repost.
I can cut a log in half just by looking at it
It's not impossible, I saw it with my own two eyes.
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
Why does Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out the dog.
Just heard someone bragging about their one night stand
Well I've got two night stands and a double bed
Have you heard of the man with 5 penises?
He’s been looking for a condom that fits like a glove.
A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand? "Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well if you are not a football fan, what sport are you a fan of? "I am a basketball fan and proud of it, " Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a basketball fan? " "Because my mum is a basketball fan, and my dad is a basketball fan, so I'm a basketball fan too!" "Well, " said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a basketball fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then? Mary smiled, and said…………… "then I'd be a football fan."
My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.
She’s obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter’s college tuition money back?
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time…
After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
Me: sipping toast Why?
My friend couldn’t afford his water bill.
So I sent him a "get well soon" card.
Today a woman said she recognized me from her vegetarian club..
..but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped my backpack and continued my walk.