What do you call an instagram celeb who got Corona?
He just goes on forever
One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
The horse, incapable of understanding human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves
The pupils. They dilate.
Too many Loggins attempts.
They each got six months.
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
But all the good ones Argon
.. So i had to put my foot down
tosses him a frisbee
v Sorry, I think my ctrl key is broken.
Airport security, for example.
This just happened at the dinner table. My Dad was talking about how he got up very early for work. The conversation went like this: Dad: “Man, I woke up way too early this morning and it completely threw me out of sync.” Me: “Well, why were you sleeping in the sink?” My Mom rolled her eyes. I am Dad now.
A grill runs out of gas
The Bartender asks, "What's in the bag?" The guy doesn't reply. Instead, reaches into the bag and pulls out a lamp, a tiny stool, a tiny piano, and a tiny man in a tuxedo that appears to only be a foot tall. The guy sets the piano down in front of the stool, and the tiny man sits on it and starts playing the piano. The bartender is amazed, and so he asks the guy, "Where the fuck did you get this?" The guy replies, "I asked this genie. You can ask for something if you want, but be careful, he don't hear very well." The bartender greedily snatches the lamp out of the guy's hands and says, "I want a million bucks!" All of a sudden, POOF, a million ducks appear in the bar. The bartender who is outraged asks, "What the hell? I asked for BUCKs, not DUCKs?!" The guy says, "I told you, he doesn't hear very well. Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"
Doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.
I'm still working on it.
They say he was defeated in battle
He had an iron deficiency
Is sphere itself
Saturday and Sunday…the rest are weekdays.
Asking for a friend.
They left a little note on the windscreen that said 'Parking Fine'.
Not what you're thinking
I asked the zoo keeper why there was a baguette in a cage and he said it was bread in captivity!
Dragon 1: It’s a bit hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
He never slept on the train with his mouth open again… -Martin Mladenov
"Keep the tip."
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not:"Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay God". Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's. Don't refer to Jesus Christ and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.