What do you call an Irishman that bounces off walls?
What’s the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer ?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize
*eats slowly but surely*
[NSFW] What’s the difference between this morning and my bosses daughter?
I'm not coming in this morning.
A picture is worth zilch …
How trump supporters left Wildwood Nj. Disgusting.
Had an argument with my physiotherapist regarding my posture
But now I stand corrected
My wife sent me an article that says men’s beards have more germs than dogs.
I said of course. There are no dogs in my beard. https://imgur.com/B7mUpUc
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
It’s funny because they’re both burning in Hell
As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”
The tree was stumped.
Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night.
"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room. Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"
Don’t like Obamacare? We got you fam..
My grandpa’s “triple pun”
This joke holds a special place in my heart. My grandpa told me it and I never forgot it. About 2 years later when I brought it up to him, he didn't remember it. So I told him the joke and he peed himself laughing … At his own joke. "Why did the man ask for his eggs Benedict to be served on a hubcap?" "Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise"
I was applying for an Australian citizenship
When the interviewer asked me ‘Do you have a criminal record?” I said “No, is that still required?”
Gotta keep yourself busy
Why can’t a nose be longer than 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot
Look forward to the handwaves dismissing this double standard
Starting new project
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
Ain’t that nice
Genie: What will your first wish be?
Dave: I want to be rich. Genie: And your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.
Found on an Instagram meme page
It’s the Yule Tide, Carol
just like he promised
What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the painting.
By your excuses combined, I have zero responsibility! Total authority is mine!
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well that’s your fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
Do you know how to catch a bear?
Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by. When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. As told to me by my Dad at dinner, every single time peas were served. Miss you, Dad.
Bye bye TDD
Wife: I’m pregnant
Dad: Hi pregnant, i'm Dad Wife: No you're not
Why does Snoop Dogg have an umbrella?
Where do sasquatches live?
All the animals came to the Ark together. Even the insects came in pairs.
Except the worms, they came in apples.
You can accuse virgins of a lot of things
But when it comes to relationships, they ain't fucking around.
After you die, what part of you body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
I really hope coronavirus can’t spread through sex
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
16 Sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.
No text found
Forgetting to convert units into the ones asked
In Avatar, Aang is 112 years old
Some call him "Boomer Aang"
There is nothing sudo cannot accomplish
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Not only a boomer but a Man Utd fan.
So then Linux = God?
No, that’s socialism!
The birds and the bees (sorry pbf)
6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9. But why did 7 eat 9?
It heard you were supposed to have three squared meals a day.
Keep It 💯
Internships be like
This is what decades of underfunding education has created
A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower…
The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where did your washcloth go?” the girl says in shock. “I lost it, honey” replies the mom. “Ok!” The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, “Mommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!” “You did?! Where was it??” “The maid has it!” the daughter shouted “And she’s washing daddy’s face with it!”
Reddit got nothing on it
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doc: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you! Woman: Oh god no, not my brother. He is an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doc: Denise. Woman: Well, that is not so bad. What did he call the boy? Doc: Denephew.
Experiment about music perception (5 to 10 minutes)
We’re currently looking for volunteers to take part in our online experiment about music perception. The experiment takes approximately 10 minutes and only works on your computer. Accsessing the link below, you will:Listen to a few musical sounds;Respond to a few questions on your computer;Receive an immediate feedback on your performance.Link: https://ift.tt/2pQ3c84 Feel free to contact me after you take the test, so I can explain our ideas and hypothesis behind it. Please, do not give away the experiment on the comments section below, otherwise it will spoil the fun for those who haven’t done it yet. 😀
I took a bath with bubbles
No text found
After that is my dick