What do you call an IT teacher who touches his student?
PDF file.
I sexually identify as Michael Jackson
My preferred pronouns are He/Hee
My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
I remember when porn genres were tame, none of that freak nasty stuff like furries, ugly bastards, vore, and other weird fetishes.
Seriously, what is the world cumming to?
I’ve tried to use the word “mucho” when speaking with my Hispanic friends.
It really means a lot to them.
My brother came to me and said that he didn’t understand cloning
I said that makes two of us
I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.
Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to get married.
So I said "Sure" She asked "When?" "When I meet the right person"
Start with the punchline.
How do you tell a time travelling joke?
My wife had a hard day at work, so I drew her a warm bath…
She didn't really appreciate the sketch and threw it away…
So my twin brother called me from prison
He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"
[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes
Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny. But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too." It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it. You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me. In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter. This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends united and bonded over how corny your dad was. Your friends stopped caring about trying to impress your dad and each other the second he ordered boneless cheese sticks with a big stupid grin. Corny dads make themselves lightning rods for cringiness so the lightning doesn't strike someone else. Source
Nobody ever asks “How is Coke doing ?”
It's always "Is Pepsi ok ?"
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England…
… guess you could say he sleighed it
Non-essential employee then proceeds to exacerbate crisis by speaking and toilet tweeting
https://ift.tt/3c4cxwa
Teacher asked “What is the formula of water?” Student said “H I J K L M N O” teacher said “that’s not the formula of water”
Student said “you said the formula was H to O”.
My parents treat me like a god…
…they don't believe in me.
What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison.
I don’t get jokes about school shootings
I guess they must be aimed at a younger audience.
Where do cyclops’ party?
Eyebiza.
The cemetery looks overcrowded
People must be dying to get there.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water.
I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of a dictionary
I learned next to nothing
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer
I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.
I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.
What’s the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots and shoots and never hits, and the other hoots and hoots and never shits.
I bought coconut shampoo the other day…
When I got home, I realised I didn't even have a coconut.
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The daughter replied…..
Thanks for the Baghdad
Did I ever tell you about the girl that only ate plants?
I can't believe I never mentioned herbivore.
Mothers have Mothers day, father’s have Father’s day, couples have Valentine’s day
and I have Palm Sunday.
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave
