What do you call an octopus with 4 hearts?
An octopus with 1 extra heart.
(Itβs a learning joke π)
I ate a clock yesterday
it was very time consuming
“I used to be a Christian”
The girl said. The boy chuckled "that's fine what made you Convert?" The girl turned and said "I feel more like a Christina than a Christian"
So you died from eating too much gravy?
You went from the ladle to the grave.
What do you call a musician in the army?
A tambarine! Thank you! Thank you very much!
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
I’m pleased with my new fridge magnet
So far I've got 12 fridges
Someone should have told him that the virus was trying to get in the country illegally
https://ift.tt/2whauFr
While I was at the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.
People started giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
I’m giving up drinking for a month.
That came out wrong. I'm giving up, drinking for a month.
I asked my Dad: βDid you ever get shot in the army?β
He said: βNo, I got shot in the leggy.β
“I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework.” Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, “Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?”
"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."
Donβt be worried about your smart phone or laptop spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt from you for years.
A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower…
The girl points at the momβs pubic hair and says βMommy, whatβs that?β The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies βUh, itβs my washclothβ. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. βMommy! Where did your washcloth go?β the girl says in shock. βI lost it, honeyβ replies the mom. βOk!β The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, βMommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!β βYou did?! Where was it??β βThe maid has it!β the daughter shouted βAnd sheβs washing daddyβs face with it!β
ANOTHER MILESTONE ACHIEVED IN THIS GREAT PRESIDENCY. SO MUCH WINNING! β£πΊπΈπ₯
https://ift.tt/3bXqdZr
I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician…
I was just sitting around doing nothing.
What’s the difference between a pizza and a musician?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
Two dwarfs Grumpy and Happy went to Vatican and meet the pope.
Grumpy, seems a little worried and he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" "No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall." "Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?" "I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?" "No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall or two and a half feet tall?" "I'm sure." "Okay." Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" asks Happy. Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any." And the Happy starts shouting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"….
I hope death is a woman….
Then I know it will never come for me
I met Mick and Keith backstage. I was rude but efficient.
I flipped two stones with one bird.
You know, my hen counts her own eggs…
Sheβs a mathemachicken
I took my dog to the lake to day and noticed he floats very well
Heβs a good buoy
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off
I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows a little high when she did her makeup today.
She looked surprised.
Why don’t ghosts like rain on halloween?
It dampens theirs spirits.
Patches of land are the only thing I find upsetting
it takes a lot to offend me
Cop pulls up next to two teens in a dark parking spot.
He is surprised to find they are sitting there, literally just reading. "Why are you reading? How old are you?" "I'm 19 officer." "And her?" "Oh, she'll be 18 in 20 minutes."
I went to a premature ejaculator’s support group today.
Turns out I came early.
It is actually difficult to figure it out nowadays
It is actually difficult to figure it out nowadays
What do you call an Elephant that doesn’t matter?
Irrelephant.
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says “Why the long face?”
The horse, incapable of understanding human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves
My friend couldn’t afford his water bill.
So I sent him a "get well soon" card.
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso, when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one…
Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file. The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" βMy mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also." It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men. The Jewish man then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?" The Italian man replied, "Get in line."