What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?
Vector quantitties
What’s another name for Vampires?
Neck-romancer
My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed
I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was
The teacher asks how you put 2 holes in 1 hole.
Nobody knows the answer so she puts her index finger and thumb together and places it over her nose. Little Johnny then asks the teacher "How do you put 6 holes in 1 hole?" She says she doesn't know. He says "You put a recorder up your pussy!" The teacher, surprised by this answer yells "Johnny! I do NOT tolerate such language in my class! Also, a recorder has 10 holes! Not 6!" Little Johnny says "Yeah I know but I didn't know you could fit it all the way in!"
I was adopted. My father found me on a poker table.
He said "I see you and I raise you."
The tailor at the tuxedo shop was constantly trying to measure me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
The teacher asked, “Name three famous Poles!”
Tommy proudly answered, "North, South and Tad!"
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
Why do riot police go to work early?
To beat the crowd.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
My friend David got his id stolen
So now we call him Dav
My wife and I were sitting at a table
at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
I can’t believe I got a life sentence for a little insider trading
The judge called it "organ harvesting", but that's just semantics
My brother’s first dad joke
This just happened 2 minutes ago. I’m visiting my brother today , dec 29. His wife asked for some shopping cash and I heard him say: “Don’t spend it all at once, this money needs to last us till next year” Ps. He’s been a father for 5 years now
Tried drawing my girl who passed away, will not try drawing again. Sure do miss her though
https://ift.tt/2BWHv9f
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
I raised my left leg before the new year started…
…so I could start it off on the right foot. 🤮 Happy new year!
A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly.
It said 'parking fine' so that was nice.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum hiss
The shovel was really a ground-breaking invention.
No text found
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
My father always laughed at me when I got shocked playing with electricity
He’d laugh and say, “Son, you’re grounded.”
Husband: I heard a rumor that the mailman has slept with every single woman on our street except one.
Wife: I bet it's that snooty Priscilla Jones in Number 7.
A priest, a lawyer and a rabbi walk into a bar
The bartender asks "Is this a joke?"
Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
What is the strongest and longest rope in the whole world?
It's Europe. So long and also strong that it is binding all the EU countries.
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but this is fucking ridiculous.
How many bones are in your hand?
About a handful
A german was peeing in a street in New York…
… and a lady looks at him and says: 'Gross.' To which the German replies: 'Danke!'
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
My wife tore a page from the dictionary and locked it in her closet.
I still don't know the hidden meaning behind it.
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."