What do you call cheese that isn’t yours

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks. "Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with. Still showing reservations, the woman asks, "What about the child's education?" "Not to worry," the couple assure her. "We have a full time tutor with years of experience that can provide our child with the finest education that money can buy." "I see," says the woman behind the desk. "But what about the child's health?" "We also have in our employ a full time nurse with a degree in pediatric medicine who will be able to attend to all of our child's needs." "Well, it certainly sounds like you've thought of everything. Were you looking to adopt a girl or a boy?" "Doesn't matter", the couple tell her. "As long as it fits in the cannon."

His lawyer says there is not enough evidence. "The ex-wife is not even dead, I am going to prove it to you, she is going to walk through the door in about one minute." All eyes are focused on the door. A minute passes. Another minute passes. And another. The prosecution says: "she didn't walk in." "But the fact that you were all staring at the door expectantly proves that there is reasonable doubt." The jury discusses. The defendant is found guilty. "How can you send a man to prison on such flimsy evidence?" The lawyer says. One juror says: "In the three minutes that passed, I looked through the courtroom, and I saw that the defendant was the only person who didn't look at the door even once."

Cum on guys.

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to….." "Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in. "You have?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked a blushing Mrs. Jones. "You just leave everything to me," he replied. "Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for George and me," stated Mrs. Jones. "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Jones. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Jones. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area," he proudly declared. "Oh my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with," he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph. "She was difficult?" Mrs. Jones asked. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers. "Yes," said the photographer. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." "You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?" Mrs. Jones asked. "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod?" asked a very worried Mrs. Jones. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action." "Madam, madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"

They grab a table and sit down, so the bra says it'll get the first round. It goes up to the bartender and says "3 beers please mate" Bartender replies "no way, you're off your tits and your mates are going to start something"

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." ​ ​ "I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." ​ ​ "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." ​ ​ "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." ​ ​ "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." ​ ​ "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." ​ All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss ​ The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work…. The ass hole is usually in charge

She was definitely checking me out.

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A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me. "Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.

They're all taking a quiz. The teacher tells them that'll have 60 minutes to complete the quiz and that they'll be graded immediately. An hour later, the teacher collects their test sheets and begins grading. Square Enix answered every question correctly, even the extra credit essay question. Ubisoft answered every question, but the answers were all incorrect. Ubisoft explained that they planned to fix the answers later after the test was graded. EA, answered the first question correctly, but the rest of the test sheet was blank. EA then demanded a dollar for each answer after the first, but couldn't guarantee it would be the correct answer. And Valve put their pen down after answering the 2nd question.

I said "where are you going?" He replied "Fancy dress party" "What as?" I asked "Tortoise" the man shouted back "Who's she?" I questioned To which he responded "That's Michelle"

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

I know, it's gross, but we can only cum on prosthetic legs. Anyway, our last three-way with an amputee, we both prematurely came on her real toes! I had to politely ask the girl, "Can we start over? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot."

"I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver. "No way! Get lost!" replied the boy. "How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked. "I said no way," replied the boy. "What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver. "No, I’m not getting in the car," answered the boy. "Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered. "No!" replied the boy. "What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver. The boy replied: "Listen, Dad, you bought the Prius, you live with it!"

 That was the most violent book I've ever read.

Just because a bunch of black dudes are in the same room with each other doesn't make it a gang.

Never knew he was a barber.

…I ran out of there like a bull in a japan shop.

The slow swimmer

Because otherwise, it’s FUCKING RAW!!!