What do you call crystal clear urine?
1080pee.
The owner of the local strip club has a lisp.
I tried to go last night, but they were clothed.
My son got good grades in all his classes except Greek Mythology
That's always been his Achilles Elbow
Ordered a Stud Finder on Amazon and forgot to give them a shipping address.
Still made it to my door.
Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin so after 24 hours
They called it a day
Many people say that a pirate’s favourite letter is R but…
It’s actually the P. If you take it away he becomes irate.
Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we are?" Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
My mate keeps buying cars
He’s got car owner virus
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
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Guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “what’s the WiFi password?”
The bartender replies, “you need to buy a beer first.” So the guy buys a beer, and asks again, “what’s the WiFi password?” The bartender replies, “you need to buy a beer first, all lowercase, no spaces or punctuation.”
A plateau is the highest form of flattery
No text found
What kind of Dr was Dr.Pepper
He was a Fizzsician
I met an Australian guy who works in IT.
I asked, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
I got thrown out of math class today.
The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?" Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the expected answer…
The guy who invented auto-correct passed away today.
Restaurant in peace
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
I used to think I was indecisive…
But now I’m not so sure.
psychologist girl and law boy
> A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?” > The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" > All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. > After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?” > The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!” > All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
A dung beetle walks into a bar…
Is this stool taken?
The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast
honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.
I have a weird fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to this realization.
Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
Fred is a hippo who went to University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked him where the medical building was, Fred replied, "it's over there and to the left. I do research on the brain in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
I was sick and tired of my wife refusing to have sex with me.
So I took matters into my own hands…
My girlfriend said that it wasn’t working out between us and that we should start seeing other people.
So I took her wheelchair. Just as I thought… She couldn’t stand to leave me.
What do you get when you mix a Jewish family with fruit?
Apple Jews (Please don’t take this offensively I’m a dumb 12 year old)
What do you call a stupid fish?
A dumBass
A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000. The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day. The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.” The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?” The man says, “Here, I bet $50 you have a birthmark on your ass.” The banker says no, but the man wants proof. The banker pulls down his pants and shows him that there is no birthmark, but the man is still smiling. The banker asks why. The man says, “Because I bet each person in the building $50,000 that I could get you to pull down your pants.”
What’s a priest’s favorite type of video game?
Early-access
My daughter said to me “Daddy, your hair is getting so long. Do you like it looking like that?”
I said "It's growing on me."
What do you call a blindfolded cockfight?
Bird Box-ing
I bought my friend an elephant for their room
They said, "Thanks." "Don't mention it," I answered.
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
My hipster friend drowned
He tried to walk on ice before it was cool
I farted in Burger King
It was an absolute whopper