What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters
Do you know why Superman is the king of all thieves?
It's because he is the man of steel. One of my students told me he made this up and I couldn't be more proud.
I was at the museum recently and asked a worker there if I was allowed to take pictures. He replied…
"No, they have to stay on the walls."
“This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
Why is a priests favourite number 3.14?
Because they are very pi-ous
On the last episode of Forged in Fire, a contestant made a blade the cut 4 loaves of bread in just one slice. . .
Now that's what you call a 4 loaf cleaver.
I want to be a millionaire just like my dad
He wanted to be a millionaire too
Japanese foods have such weird names.
They always claim to be yaki but are actually pretty yummy.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat any dinner?
They were already stuffed!
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"
Jeff Bezos: “Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer.”
Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."
Whenever I undress in the bathroom..
My shower gets turned on.
My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.
But by then, it was too late.
I had sex with an almond tree once
It was at that point in my life i realized i was fucking nuts.
TIL: If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
[At the museum] Her: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.” “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.” “He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.” So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?” “Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.” “Where did it go?” Arthur asks. “I don’t remember.”
I tell dad jokes but I’m not actually a father…
I’m a faux pas.
The ultimate Dad Joke – Bulgarian Train Man
This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now. A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him. "What would you like for your last meal?" "I would like a banana please." The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released. A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him. "You again? Shit. What do you want this time?" "Two bananas please." The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time. Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time. "Let me guess. Three bananas?" "Actually yes! How did you know?" "Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry." So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. "I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!" "Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."
My wife is mad at me because I never buy her flowers
I didn’t know she even sold flowers!
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
What do you call an accusatory reptile?
An allegator
A four-foot-tall fourtuneteller escaped from prison.
He was a small medium at large.
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain.
My friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo
So I put my foot down
Someone once told me I had a nice-ass shirt.
I told them that they can just call it pants.
Why are physicists so serious all the time?
They understand the gravity of the situation.
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer…
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
I hope Death is a woman
That way it will never come for me
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-Smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are "cremation" and "burial"
A man’s fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
I slept so badly last night I started reading the dictionary
By 4am I was past caring…
My daughter said she literally can’t even…
… so that’s odd.
Why do Jewish men have to be circumsized?
Because a Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off.
hope this hasnt been posted already, but here goes
what did the buffalo say to his son when he left? bi-son
A man and his wife checked into a hotel.
An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk. Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window." Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. " Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."
My dog has a creepy obsession with trees…
All he ever does is talk about their skin…
(: ¡¡ʇɥƃᴉN pooפ
Love, Australia.