What do you call fifteen rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hareline.
The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.
Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.
When I was a teen I was addicted to masturbation and as I grew older I become a sex addict.
In retrospect, I think my addiction just got out of hand.
My wife said that I should start paying more attention to what’s going on around me.
I’ll try harder in 2018.
Kenny Loggins Should Do A Song With Kenny Passwords.
No text found
I’m not sure if I like the game Battleship
The experience has always been hit-or-miss for me.
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
Game of Thrones Spoiler
Game of Thrones
Heard they are making a movie about Coronavirus
Its going to be directed by Quentin Quarantino.
My wife texted me: “Why are you typing everything in lowercase?”
Me: i stopped giving a shift.
I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
I dropped some tortilla chips and some cheese the other day.
My wife asked if I needed help to clean it up. I said don't worry it's nacho problem.
What did the gender-neutral gold miner say to their foreman?
“There’s gold in them/their hills.”
What do you get when you mix 50% human DNA with 50% goat DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
My girl asked me if I were to have a threesome which of her friends I’d choose.
Apparently I was only supposed to choose one…
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.
“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
What do you call a sleep-walking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic…
What’s the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam?
They both get stoned after sex
[NSFW] A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a deserted island.
They're there for several years, until one day the man gets desperate, takes off his trousers, and tries to mount the pig. The dog, however, starts growling at him and baring its teeth, so he stops. A few weeks later he tries again, but this time the dog bites him on the arm until he stops. Later, a beautiful woman washes up on the beach. The man nurses her back to health and provides her food. One day, she asks if there's anything she can do for him." "Anything?" "Anything." "Well there was one thing." "Oh? What was it?" "Can you take that fucking dog for a walk?"
Why was the basketball court wet?
Everyone was dribbling on it.
I ordered a Chicken and an Egg from Amazon
I'll let you know
What did Buddha say to the hotdog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
This sub is really disappointing me lately.
I'm going to try the meatballs next time.
Why will Congress never impeach Trump?
Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
Its not anal bleaching
It's changing your ring tone
Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?
Best Buy employee: a cord? Me: no it's a Civic.
What do you call a dog floating in water?
A good buoy
The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.
His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?" "Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road." "And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!" "And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!" "While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck."
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together…
At first it’s boring, but later on, it’s riveting…
Hey girl, are you a Communist?
Because I feel an uprising in my lower classes.
A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”
The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”
I am ok with alcohol, cigarettes, and even marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
