What do you call intelligent people in America?
She seemed surprised.
I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.
When he found out he was madder than hell.
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn. That should make the cremation a little more interesting.
He was afraid of capitalism.
"Cock, a doodle do."
So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up? Santa because the first two don't exist.
My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him that I was married now…
…and that's where I sleep.
I thought to myself. That's a funny way to start a conversation.
I was hired as a security guard for the fruit importer, keeping watch on a shipment of oranges, but my parents said I claimed just Naval gazing!
It means a great deal.
His wife was up waiting for him… "You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."
until it’s fully groan.
And conversely, you should never scissor with the runs.
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.
He was a little chili.
I have selfish steam issues.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?”
The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"
They will tell you.
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
"Well, you're half right."
Put a little boogie in it!
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything. "When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim." Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap. But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?" Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach." Stevie replies, "Midnight!"
It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
But for whatever reason, it was much more difficult to deter gents.
Random dad: How can I help you? Man: Call me an ambulance! Random dad: You're an ambulance
"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three" "Please open your mouth," the therapist says. The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully. "I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie just like your neighbor."
Nurse: I'm sorry sir, your dad is pronounced dead. Son:I can't believe I'm pronouncing it wrong all this time.
I call it James.
"Hola milk, soy es tu padre!"