What do you call it when the ocean commits a bank robbery?
A crime wave
I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today because…
…that's Hawai'i roll…
What happens if you mix goat DNA and human DNA?
You get kicked out of the petting zoo.
The impeachment of Trump will be a stain on his legacy
Whereas the impeachment of Clinton was the legacy of his stain.
[NSFW] What do you call a group of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin'off
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question… dogs can't whistle.
The boiled water died
It shall me mist
Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
They are Santa's star bucks
When 3 people have sex, it’s a threesome. When 2 people have sex, it’s a twosome.
Now I understand why they call you handsome
A blonde goes to work in tears.
She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
This sub is really disappointing me lately.
I'm going to try the meatballs next time.
Which differential operator requires the strictest boundary conditions?
The Stern- Liouville operator
Went to a surgeon to have my spine removed…
It was just holding me back.
I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.
When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?" The ignorant bastard just ignored me.
I asked a midget for a dollar today….
He said "Sorry, I'm a little short"
Why did Cinderella get kicked off her soccer team?
Because she kept running away from the ball.
Patches of land are the only thing I find upsetting
it takes a lot to offend me
My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order
I probably should've stopped when I got to her name
I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion…
… and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.
I have a fear of giants
Feefiphobia.
My grandfather’s last words were, “Gallons. Quarts. Litres.”
That spoke volumes.
What is Bruce Wayne’s favorite food?
Goth Ham
Astronaut 1: hey I can’t find any milk for my coffee
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
I finally finished my book about clocks
And if you ask me, it’s about time.
I have my grandma on speed-dial
Call it Instagram
Today my doctor told me I was colorblind.
The results came completely out of the purple…
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store.
does that make you an iWitness?
Did you hear that Julie Andrews will no longer be supporting cheap lipstick? It crumbles easily and makes her breath smell.
In a quote she said "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis".
Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know “tuba” is also an acronym?
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.
Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don’t know what he laced them with but I was trippin’ all day
4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip…
As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan. He goes downstairs to reception and asks for a cup of coffee to be delivered to the room. "Make sure you deliver it exactly after 10 minutes starting from now" Returning back to the room he joins his comrades midway a Stalin joke. He sits up shocked and exclaims: "Comrades! You must not say these things! Don't you know? They are listening to our conversations right now!" The comrades jeer and laugh at him and say that that is impossible. "Really? Then how do you explain this?" He gets up and speaks into the lampshade by the beds. "I would like a black coffee to be delivered to my room, please." And surely enough, in a short amount of time, a maid walks in with a cup of coffee and some sugar. The other 3 comrades turn deathly pale and quickly turn in for the night. The last comrade drinks his coffee and peacefully goes to sleep. Come morning the 4th comrade awakens only to find that his friends and all their belongings are missing. Throughly confused and anxious, the man walks down the stairs to reception to enquire whether his friends had checked out earlier in the morning. "I am afraid not sir. You see, the KGB raided your room during the night and placed your friends under arrest for ridiculing the Soviet regime." "B-but how come they didn't take me?!" "Oh, the Captain very much enjoyed your joke" (translated from Russian)
What side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside.
Triple JAVA – me coding Java, whilst drinking Java and being in Java, Indonesia
https://ift.tt/2RX5hLx
You know your uncle went to WWII with a toy gun
He had nerfs of steel
Sweet dreams are made of cheese.
Who am I to diss a brie?
Sen. Mitch McConnell Responds to Calls to Recuse Himself from Impeachment Hearings
https://ift.tt/36y8XHm