What do you call it when the ocean commits a bank robbery?
A crime wave
…that's Hawai'i roll…
You get kicked out of the petting zoo.
Whereas the impeachment of Clinton was the legacy of his stain.
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question… dogs can't whistle.
It shall me mist
They are Santa's star bucks
Now I understand why they call you handsome
She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
I'm going to try the meatballs next time.
The Stern- Liouville operator
It was just holding me back.
When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?" The ignorant bastard just ignored me.
He said "Sorry, I'm a little short"
Because she kept running away from the ball.
it takes a lot to offend me
I probably should've stopped when I got to her name
… and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.
That spoke volumes.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
And if you ask me, it’s about time.
Call it Instagram
The results came completely out of the purple…
does that make you an iWitness?
Did you hear that Julie Andrews will no longer be supporting cheap lipstick? It crumbles easily and makes her breath smell.
In a quote she said "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis".
Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know “tuba” is also an acronym?
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
I don’t know what he laced them with but I was trippin’ all day
As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan. He goes downstairs to reception and asks for a cup of coffee to be delivered to the room. "Make sure you deliver it exactly after 10 minutes starting from now" Returning back to the room he joins his comrades midway a Stalin joke. He sits up shocked and exclaims: "Comrades! You must not say these things! Don't you know? They are listening to our conversations right now!" The comrades jeer and laugh at him and say that that is impossible. "Really? Then how do you explain this?" He gets up and speaks into the lampshade by the beds. "I would like a black coffee to be delivered to my room, please." And surely enough, in a short amount of time, a maid walks in with a cup of coffee and some sugar. The other 3 comrades turn deathly pale and quickly turn in for the night. The last comrade drinks his coffee and peacefully goes to sleep. Come morning the 4th comrade awakens only to find that his friends and all their belongings are missing. Throughly confused and anxious, the man walks down the stairs to reception to enquire whether his friends had checked out earlier in the morning. "I am afraid not sir. You see, the KGB raided your room during the night and placed your friends under arrest for ridiculing the Soviet regime." "B-but how come they didn't take me?!" "Oh, the Captain very much enjoyed your joke" (translated from Russian)
He had nerfs of steel
Who am I to diss a brie?