What do you call it when you hit someone with a salt shaker?
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency
looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care. The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
My wife and I bought a water bed recently but ever since then…
…we’ve drifted apart.
Today i taught my son a lesson by eating his homework.
Tomorrow he will learn that most people do not believe you, even if you tell the truth.
As a doctor, I am addicted to hitting my patients on their knees to test their reflexes.
I really get a kick out of it.
Did you know the population of Ireland is growing at a faster rate than any other country in the world?
It’s capital has been Dublin every year.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot. (I'll show myself out…)
My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine…
So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever…
Today a woman said she recognized me from her vegetarian club..
..but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.
When the clerk says “sorry about your wait”, I reply,
"I am too, but it's ok, I've been fat my whole life"
Why do less marriages take place in winter
Because most of the brides get cold feet.
What did Delaware?
Maybe a New Jersey? I don't know, but Alaska.
This website won’t let me use “beefstew” as a password
Apparently it's not stroganoff.
Failed to crosspost to r/kidsarefuckingstupid for some reason so here ya go guys
https://ift.tt/2OMnLfw
I did not know what to wear to my premature ejaculation club meeting
So I just came in my pants
Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time
Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.
Two antennae got married
The ceremony was alright but the reception was EXCELLENT!
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
It becomes egg sighted
Making fun of kids watching TV while there’s an adult watching TV right there.
https://ift.tt/393HrmE
What do you call the owner of a waterproof clothing company?
The head poncho.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
How does every racist joke start?
With a look over your shoulder
I recently received a book with “do not read until the year 2030” written on the cover
But that’s a story for another time
I ate a bunch of scrabble pieces earlier
So going to the bathroom could spell disaster
A man escapes from prison where he’s been for 15 years. He breaks in to a house looking for money, guns, and/or a car, instead he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the husband out of the bed and ties him to a chair. After tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her and kisses her neck, then goes in to the bathroom. At which time the husband tells his wife: "Honey, this man's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! I saw the way he kissed your neck, he probably hasn't seen a woman in years, if he wants sex give to him, don't resist, don't complain, just go with it no matter how sick It makes you. He's probably dangerous, if he gets mad he will most likely kill us. Honey, I love you, be strong. To which the wife responds: "Oooh, honey, no? He wasn't kissing my neck he was whispering in my ear. He said you looked very cute and asked if we had any vasoline. I told him yeah in the restroom. Give him what he wants, honey be strong i love you too."
Can we just stop specifying the state when we make this joke? Pretty sure I’ve seen all 50
https://ift.tt/2xjJXr3
What tea do rich people buy?
Property
