What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial Arts
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The daughter replied…..
Thanks for the Baghdad
Joke my 6 year old son made up.
What is the best type of pan to cook fish in? A CAST iron pan. Get it? Because you have to cast for fish. I thought it was super cute!
The girlfriend and I just drove by a shoe in the road
GF: A shoe! Me: Bless you Was pretty proud of myself for a couple minutes.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it.
Queue is just one letter followed by four silent letters
They must be waiting for their turn.
I only knock up antivaxxers.
Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.
I really like books with female protagonists.
It’s almost like I’m addicted to heroine.
We’re about to have a bad spell…
…of wether.
This asparagus is just…
a spear, I guess.
What’s the cutest season?
Awwwtumn.
I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.
Always walkin around like they rent the place.
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
Coughy Filter (see attached meme)
https://imgur.com/a/wi51bYh
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Mostly because his name is Steve
Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up.
Guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
What do you call rednecks up north?
Chillbillies
Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet’s waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other “What are you in for?”
"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?" "Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was cleaning the kitchen floor in her bathrobe, and while she was reaching for something under the fridge, her bathrobe fell off, and she looked and smelled so good that I mounted her then and there." "Oh," says the Doberman, "so you're in to be castrated as well?" "No," says the German Shepherd, "just to get my claws clipped."
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
Juggling seems fun
But I just don’t have the balls to do it
My wife and I were sitting at a table
at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.
Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.
What’s a communists favorite part of math?
The distributive property.
Yo mama so ugly…
she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application!
How do you keep burglars from stealing your bagels?
Install new lox.
Why are iPhones like the NFL?
The Chargers suck.
I was driving along when this man waved me down.
I stopped the car and he asked me if I could give him a few directions. 'Certainly,' I replied, 'up, down, east and west.' Then I drove off.
How do you like them apples?
A guy sits down at the bar, and asks for a Rum & Coke The bartender plops an apple in front of him. "But I wanted a drink" The bartender says "Just try it." The guy bites into the apple, and says "Wow, this tastes just like rum!" "Turn it around," says the bartender. The guy bites into the other side of the apple and says "Wow, this tastes just like Coke. Amazing!" Another guy sits down, orders a Gin & Tonic. The bartender plops down an apple in front of him. "I want a drink, not food" The first guy says "Trust me, just taste it." He bites into the apple, and says "Wow, this tastes just like Gin" "Turn it around," says the bartender. He bites into the other side, and says "Wow, this tastes just like Tonic. Amazing!" A third guy sits down. "What can I get for you?" the bartender asks. "Hmm, let me think" The first guy says "Whatever you want, he has an apple that tastes just like it." The guy says "Oh yeah, do you have one that tastes like pussy?" The bartender plops down an apple in front of him. He takes a bite, and spits it out, screaming "This tastes like SHIT" "Turn it around" says the bartender.
A pirate goes to the doctor and say, “I have moles on me back aaarrrghh”
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign" Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
People think I’m addicted to drinking brake fluid
I always say, “I can stop whenever I want.”
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping…
…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.