What do you call karate for amputees?
“Yes,” he says. “My dad taught me.” “Can you tell me what comes after three?” “Four” “What comes after six?” “Seven” “Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?” “A jack,” answers Little Johnny.
It's a pun-croc band.
that is, until he… scrubbed it!!!
I always knew he liked them young, but this is fucking ridiculous.
A 3-month pregnant woman into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they’re fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh, no! Not my brother! He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Oh, well that’s not so bad. What did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
12 years old and mixed up with coke. Disclaimer: This is just a joke. I do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
they were flying off the shelves but he switched to chickens and they didn't take off. So he tried ducks and then it was all bills, bills, bills.
I can’t see myself doing that again any time soon.
So I packed my bags and right.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
I said “ son, that’s 3 schools this year… maybe teaching isn’t for you.”
His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife replied “perform the fucking autopsy!”
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Then you’ll get a, “Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis!"
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
He started counting but he fell asleep.
A pope tart.
He came, he saw, he conquered
He won the no-bell prize.
Nothing. It’s on the house.
Therapist: So what brought you two here? Wife: I just hate how he takes things so literally? Therapist: What about you? Husband: A car.
"Quick, everyone!" the man shouts. "Big Frank is coming!" A panic ensues. Chairs are thrown as people try desperately to be the first to leave. One mother just drops her baby on the floor, picks up her skirts, and runs. Several people are badly injured, but eventually the young lad is the only one left. He decides to stay. If he beats this so-called Big Frank, he'll be a hero. After waiting for a solid hour, he finally hears a horse's hooves on the ground outside. Soon, the largest man he has ever seen is squeezing through the door. He has an enormous moustache and a smell that almost makes the young lad throw up. "Gimme a whiskey!" bellows the man. Trembling, the lad pours the man a drink. He knocks it back in one gulp. "Gimme another!" The lad ends up giving the man nine drinks, after which the man still looks totally sober. "Another!" he yells. "You– You have to pay for the drinks you've already had," stutters the lad. The man stares the lad right in the eye. "I'll make you a deal, kid. Let's arm wrestle. If you win, you get everything I own. If I win, I get as many free drinks as I want." "D– Deal," he replies, staring at the man's disgustingly huge muscles. After a long struggle, the lad somehow finds the strength and motivation in him to beat the huge man. They're both in shock, but the big man eventually says, "Alright, kid. All my land and possessions are yours." "Gee, thanks!" says the young lad. I'll be a legend when I tell everyone about this! he thinks. The man says, "Here's your money. I should get going anyway. Aren't you coming?" "No. Why would I?" "Jesus Christ kid, haven't you heard?! Big Frank is coming!!"
He was disqualified.
My friend has it and it's serious. He got it from a tick bite… It's the first reported case of Corona with Lyme.