What do you call new innovations in knife technology?
Cutting edge tech
Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022!
Cause 2022 is 2020 too.
What do you call a soldier that’s survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran
Public Apology
I apologize to everyone in the sub about my earlier post. I was trying to make a funny joke, but I spelled the title wrong and couldn't go back. After that, everything spiraled out of control. I thought about deleting it and pretending it never happened, even denying it's very existence, but after a moment of reflection I realized: There's no use lying over spelled milk.
Ole Blue
A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money …. he calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this — they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But the young lad has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does". "Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?" The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"
What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another tectonic plate?
Sorry, that's my fault.
I walked downstairs to find my daughter eating cereal in complete darkness
I asked her, "What kind of psycho eats cereal in the dark?" "A cereal killer" she replied. I have taught her well.
“I always try to go the extra mile for my customers.”
Said the city's most hated cab driver.
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard.
Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope
Why don’t blind people pick up their guide-dog’s poop?
Because they can't see shit.
As far as disabilities go, being mute isn’t that bad…
But I can't speak for everyone.
A piece of rope walks into a bar
He asks for a drink, and the bartender responds sorry but we don't serve your kind here. So he calmly walks back outside, ruffles out the top of his head and turns himself around and over then walks back inside and back to the bartender. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and says, aren't you the rope that was just in here a second ago? To which he says no, I'm a frayed knot.
I was having an argument with my friend the other day
He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was! Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.
Every day before class, I read my student a joke from r/jokes, but today I couldn’t make it.
So instead, a sub Reddit.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar
One came, one saw, and one conquered.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
How does Bigfoot know what time it is?
He looks at his sasquatch.
drug-sniffing dog
Me: "Sweet dog you got there" Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog." Me: "Still in training, huh?" Policeman: "What do you mean?" Me: "Nevermind"
My professor accused me of plagiarizing
His words, not mine.
Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him “would you fuck the gorilla for £2,000?”
Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
What’s the best Christmas present you could possibly get?
A broken drum… you can’t beat it
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“No, go right ahead.” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says “plethora”, and sits back down. “Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot.”
Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead body with a hard on
The first nurse says, "Damn, can't let that go to waste," and rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains that she's on her period, but still rides him. Then the man sits up. The three nurses apologize profusely and say that they thought he was dead. The man replies, "I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I feel fuckin great!"
My fish just ate another one of my fishes but it’s just hanging out of his mouth
https://ift.tt/2G2jC26
I was at a really emotional wedding today…
Even the cake was in tiers.
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?
The second one’s a repost.
If you clean a vacuum cleaner
You become a vacuum cleaner
![[REDACTED] is a common killer of scp memes](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/wgqrlb1y9yp41-400x476.jpg)
This blu-ray I bought said the main event would be David vs. Daniel.
However, the screen only said DVD.
A little girl opens the door to find a priest with a collection tin.
“What can I do for you, Father?” “I’m collecting for the orphanage.” “Just a moment,” says the little girl, closing the door. The priest waits patiently, then suddenly hears first one gunshot, then another. The little girl returns to the door and says: “OK, you can take me now.”
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?
Micro trans-action
Donald Trump just turned 73
which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.