What do you call Santa’s helpers?
We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer
It becomes egg sighted
It hasn't come out yet
Son: tears welling up please give me a name dad I'm almost 17
This is Sean Connery.
They were prime-mates
Guy: two? It’s always three, right? Genie: look at your crotch. Guy: Damn, that’s a huge dick. Genie: I’ve been doing this for centuries. You’re welcome.
The whole zoo was just one big embarrassment
Happy Mother’s Day!
I was walking to the bedroom with a 20-ounce drink. My son was hiding behind the wall and said "boo". He asked "were you scared?" I told him "no, but what if I were and spilled this drink all over myself?" He said "then that would be on you". I told him "nice pun". He still doesn't get it.
Prophets are going through the roof.
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
With little Caesars (Seezors)
Wife asked her husband to give her the newspaper. Husband: "How backward you are? Technology has developed so much and you are still asking for the newspaper… Take my iPad…" Wife took the iPad and killed the Cockroach. Husband faints. Moral: Whatever the wife asks, give her without argument. Show your smartness in office, not at home.
As a part of their job, executioners are not allowed to high five their victims before executing them.
It’s their job to leave them hanging.
“No, I don't think they'll fit me.” Is my go to answer. Bless her she still laughs and says “silly daddy”. She’s 3 🙂
Its loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel dizzy and sick.
I said: “Please don’t mention it.”
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
Then he fired me.
He’s got car owner virus
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 6 Step 10 Step 15 Step 19 Step 23 Step 35
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
And at the end of each weekend, there is a Brother that goes around to all the casinos to cash them out and make a deposit. He's the Chip Monk.
*instrument. … darn autocorrect just screwed up my post.
But now I'm clean.
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.