What do you call someone delivering a lot of spices?
A currier.
What do you call a cheap circumsision?
A rip off.
My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.
So i took down his confederate flag.
Nowadays It is more important to see the Manufacturer country than Expire Date.
https://ift.tt/314GiIy
What do you call a small mother ?
A minimum
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Why shouldn’t you tell knock knock jokes to chefs?
They don't have the thyme for that, just cumin.
Idk why marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk
He is basically a giant banner.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old woman came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
In laughter the L comes first..
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
For those with poor vision. The good news is that in less than 12 hours…
You’ll all be seeing 2020
I heard the bakers parents were also bakers.
You could say he was bread for the job.
I’m having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek League.
Good players are hard to find.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: holding a cup Do it to my tea! Magician: waves hand Done! om: holding a cup It didn't work
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”..
..is a shitty way to tell a kid they're adopted
Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys?
Aisle B, back.
“Diana!” I said greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door…
She said, "My name's Anna." I said, "Yeah, I know."
My wife left me because I’m too insecure and paranoid
Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.
I refused to believe my son got fired as a road worker for theft.
But when I got home, all the signs were there
How do you turn a three dimensional printer into a four dimensional printer?
Just give it time.
I usually wear 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing
Last time I got a hole in one
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555,55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
Bert: Hey Ernie, would you like some ice cream?
Ernie: Sure Bert!
I recently found out the medical name for Viagra
Mycoxaflopin
A coach is looking after a young ice hockey team
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head." Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'adumb a–hole', is it?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
Christen Joke
Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?" Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior." Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?" Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants." Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?" Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down."