What do you call someone who is gifted a goat?
A goatee
Why can’t ants get Covid-19?
They have tiny little antibodies…
I have the heart of a lion…
And a life time ban from the Central Park Zoo
What kind of grades did Tommy Wiseau get in school?
Oh, high marks
What do you get when you cross Captain America with the Incredible Hulk?
The Star-Spangled Banner.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for
He said “Genius”
Imagine being held at gunpoint by (bear with me) a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on social media.
wHo the hEll would beLieve such a thing can hapPen.
Keep the earth clean
It’s not Uranus
All Americans are immigrants … especially from an East Asian (Siberian) Bloodline
https://ift.tt/2YVjBYn
How can you tell when a vampire’s sick ?
Because of the coffin.
My wife told me I was terrible with directions
So I packed up my things and right
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It’s called making the little things count.
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
What kind of conversation did the pirate have?
An ARRRgument with his wife
A Donald Trump Joke
Disclaimer! I did not write this joke, I merely found it on the internet and wanted to share it to everyone. Please comment down the original owner if you know who it is, because he deserves all the credits. Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, your majesty?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one." Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster." Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" In a very pleasant tone, the greeter responded, "I'm neither blind nor stupid. I just couldn't believe that you got laid twice."
There’s nothing like the first floor of a house. But the upstairs…
Well that’s a different story.
You hear about the wizard that dropped out of Hogwarts?
He couldn’t spell. Edit: J. K. Rowling has just notified me that this wizard was also gay. I’m not sure why that was relevant & I though the joke was good on its own, but she really wanted to clarify.
Seriously, why must most these things always suck? Especially Netflix and Max
Seriously, why must most these things always suck? Especially Netflix and Max
Where does King T’Challa live?
In a Wacondo. My son and I just came up with that joke, driving past Disneyworld.
Why is it wrong to punch the wall when you’re frustrated?
The wall has never been anything but supportive.
Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine.
Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine
I think my phone is broken…
I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
My bosses tie
What do you call a T-Rex that can fly
A Dino-soar
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous!
I see a few new faces here, and i am very disappointed.
Here you have some cocaine, but remember
With great powder comes great responsability
The only doctors we can afford for now! [received from a friend south of the border]
https://ift.tt/2xjbhpm
Who Wants to Learn Roman Numerals??
Well, I for one..
A man walks into a bar NSFW
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After nursing his whiskey he notices a horse in the back of the bar. Curious he asks the bar-tender: "Hey, why the horse in the back of the bar" "Oh, that horse is Jim. We have a pool going. If anyone can make Jim laugh they can have all the money. It's $100 to try." The man thinks for a moment, removes $100 from his wallet, places the money on the bar, walks back, and whispers something in Jim's (the horse's) ear. The horse starts laughing hysterically. The man walks back to the bar, orders another whiskey, shoots it, takes his winnings and leaves. A few months later this strange man comes back to the bar. Again he orders a drink and again he asks about the horse. The bar tender replies: "Well, since you were last here we needed a new wager. Same deal only now we are looking for someone that can make Jim cry". Then places his money on the bar and walks back to the horse and moments later returns ; a weeping horse in his wake and inquires to his prize money. The bartender not letting go so easily asked, "Hold on mister. You have to tell me. how you won both pools" The man replies: "Last time, I told the horse my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him".
A farmer has three daughters and each of them have dates
The farmer, being skeptical of their dates decides to meet them first. If he didn’t like them, he would give them the business end of his shotgun. The first date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, “Hi I’m Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re going to the show. Is she ready to go?” The farmer liked him and let him go. The second date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, “Hi I’m Freddy. I’m here to pick up Betty. We are going to eat spaghetti. Is she ready?” The farmer liked him and he let him go. The third date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, “Hi I’m Chuck “ and the farmer shot him.
What do seismologists eat for breakfast?
Panquakes and shakin'
I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.
Hold on, it's 900. Edit: No, wait, it's 500.
A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink
The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead. The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face. The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?" The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?" The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?"
I was going to give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
“When I stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?”
"Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."
An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants
“Euripides?” says the tailor. “Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man.