What do you call the bad side of Italy?
The spaghetto
A guy walks into a bar
and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day." "Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay." The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!" On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
Did you know the first French fry wasnโt cooked in France?
It was cooked in Greece
We should send sex offenders to storm Area 51
Alien Vs Predator
An Irishman walls into a bar in Dublin..
orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, โYou know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.โ The Irishman replies, well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and Iโm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that weโd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each oโme brothers and one for me self.โ The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, โI donโt want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.โ The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. โOh, no, everybodyโs just fine,โ he explains, โItโs just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasnโt affected me brothers though.โ
A Jewish man decides his son isn’t religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.
When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now. The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian." The two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian." The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian." God's voice booms down "that's funnyโฆ"
I’m giving up masturbating for an entire month.
Sorry, bad punctuation. I'm giving up. Masturbating for an entire month.
Cop: do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: because the police force is a fascist institution designed to protect the wealthy Cop: there's a man in your trunk Me: yea a ๐ง๐๐๐ man
A bullet says he quit his job
He was actually fired
On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife…
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Old but gold
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m…. urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?" The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the checkout counter." "I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six pack and headed for the checkout. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six pack of beer. "We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will." Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said "The curlers are on the house."
I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform.
She said it's in case she has to draw blood.
Wanna hear a joke about the ozone layer?
[depleted]
Ash used to be wood…
…but it was fired.
Yo, wanna hear a joke about someone who never goes outdoors?
Nah on second thoughts you won't get it. It's an inside joke.
True story, happened in grad school when we had to learn fortran for some reason
https://ift.tt/3009lyq
Trump goes to Russia to have dinner with Putin…
After dinner theyโre hanging around the palace smoking cigars when Putin says โwatch thisโ. He rings a little bell and this beautiful Russian girl walks in, gets on her knees in front of him, and starts sucking his dick. After a few moments Putin smacks her on the back of the head and yells โstop!โ, and without a word she gets up and walks out of the room. Putin turns to Trump and says โyou wanna try?โ โSureโ Trump says, โbut donโt smack me on the back of the head please, that looks like it hurtsโ.
A bottle of coke just fell out of the fridge onto my foot.
Iโm so glad it was a soft drink
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
What’s it called when Spider-Man has to stop a car?
Peter Parking.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $285…
That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Why is suicide illegal in china?
Destruction of state property
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help me…
I stand corrected.
How Cult45 reacts when someone tells them their Dear Leader said something stupid.
https://ift.tt/2BmbJSE
I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant….
But then I changed my mind!
Why do meremaids wear seashell bras?
Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.
I was going to make an alzhiemers joke
but I forgot it
An interview with a vampire
An interview with a vampire. Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time. Voad: Well, I have taken part in many activities to pass the time. Through subtle influence, I have bought monarchs to the throne, and ended the span of tyrannical leaders. I have replaced chaos with order, and then installed chaos back in its place. But in recent years, I have taken great pleasure in the mundane. The every day. The boring. I: Please, tell me more about the recent years. V: I have taken my place in society, tried to give back to a world that has given me so much by fulfilling some tasks that others would not. I have rid the planet of a number of diseases by removing their carriers. I have stopped wars before they started. But most recently, it has been a more direct approach. Sweeping the streets, emptying bins. My current role has been the most surprising. I: And what are you doing currently that is so surprising? V: Well, cleaning. It gives me great pleasure. Sweeping, dusting, mopping. All of it. I am enjoying this more than anything else I have done. And one aspect has been a massive surprise to me. I: Really? V: Yes. Cleaning mirrors. Itโs just not a job that I ever saw myself doing.
What do pigs and ink have in common?
..they both belong in a pen….
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide
Why was the horse so smelly?
Because the cow gave him a pat on the back!
Christmas is a lot like sex
I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's a really small number, you've probably never heard of it.