What do you call the owner of a waterproof clothing company?
The head poncho.
They've been keeping me off the streets for years.
A man decided to attend his friend’s funeral. He approached his friend’s widow and after a consoling hug said “Plethora”.
She responded "Thanks that means a lot".
I told him, "It seems you are a father now, a parent Lee."
She was a Mathmachicken.
But I just don’t have the balls to do it
She seemed surprised.
He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.
It's a faux pa.
I don’t mean to brag… but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it’s an extension of my soul.
It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.
When it becomes apparent
A law suit
Oh, high marks.
Police Officer: Name? German: Heinrich Klimt Police officer: Age? German: 32 Police Officer: Occupation? German: No, no. Just visiting.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
…when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him. A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!". The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him. When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor asks him:"Im confused, why did you shout Mickey Mouse?" "I freaked out" he answers."I meant to shout DONALD DUCK!"
My grandfather who used to tell me knock knock jokes from since I was very little told me his last joke before he past away. This is it…
Him: Knock Knock Me: Who’s there? Him: Howard Me: Howard who? Him: Howard you like to be knocking for a change? This joke really made me laugh and I thought I’d share it with all you.
He Dwaynes his Johnson
It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan
They never get them
Sails are through the roof.
But then it grew on me
I suck at gardening
Then it hit me
Too much socky.
I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.