What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
you would have more bed room but less bedroom
"Mind if I give the melons a squeeze?" he asks. "Go right ahead!" the fruit lady replies, handing him one. He gives it a good few squeezes, more than necessary. A bit impatient, the fruit lady assures him: "That's ripe!" "No, it's not!" the Aussie replies, dropping the melon in disgust. "You gave me consent!"
Ah, this one got me good 😀
He Dwaynes his Johnson
His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison. When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto had ever met. Big Joel helped him through his day, showing him where to eat, shower, and work out. Myto woke up every morning and had a Chocolate Brownie for breakfast. The only brownies the prison sold were from a strange company called Dria. Every night, however, Myto noticed something. The power always went out at exactly 9 PM. Being an electrical engineer, Myto decided to find out why this was the case. He asked his bunkmate, Big Joel why this happened. Big Joel shook his head and sighed. “Don’t know why it’s got to be this way. It just do. Power goes out every night at 9.” Myto was perplexed. He resolved to fix this issue using all his electrical engineering prowess. He realized that by using the strange brownies made by Dria, he could make a con brownie. He hid a very powerful battery that he stole from the guards and hooked it up to the wires of his cell. To his delight, the cell lit up! Of course, this didn’t sit well with the other prisoners. Why was Myto and Big Joel’s cell lighting up even after nine PM? One of the prisoners came up to Big Joel and asked him how the hell their cell was still lighting up. Big Joel promptly replied: Well, everyone knows Myto’s con Dria is the powerhouse of the cell
I said, "Naw, she isn't that ugly."
I called the doctor and screamed, “Quick! My pregnant wife’s going into labor, what should I do?” He said, “Calm down, is this her first child?”
I shrieked, “No! This is her husband!"
They're making headlines everywhere!
Just need to find a place to bury her.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
Her: What are you going to do when we see it? Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
Just look for the fresh prints.
And most of them are Republicans.
I would have $6.38.
The devil took him to the first room. The room was empty except for a pool of scalding hot water. The man saw George Bush, jump into the pool, climb out and jump back in again. The devil said "That's his punishment. He has to jump into the pool for eternity. If you pick this room, you take his place." The man hurriedly asked for option 2. So they went to the next room. This room was filled with rocks. The man could make out Obama continuously smashing rocks. The devil said "That's his punishment. He must smash rocks for eternity. If you pick this room, you take his place." The man asked for option 3. This room was magnificent. It had a massive king size bed, a table full of delicacies and just the works. On the bed, the man saw Trump having sex with Mia Khalifa. The man jumped with joy and exclaimed "This room! I pick this room!" "Are you sure?" the devil asked "Yes definitely!" "Okay then, Mia you can leave. This man here will be taking your place."
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
..But its definitely worth a shot.
and on the other, your left.
I’M NOT UPSET, BUT DON’T KNOW HOW TO SHOW IT.
They’re soft drinks.
I heard they’re gonna give them a really tough sentence
It causes me to start coffin.
Months of training wasted.
Love means nothing to them.
Its days are numbered.
Me: This is my girlfriend Janine Janine: Hi Wife: What the fuck
"You have perfect eyesight."
Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.' Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' 'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow." ' She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.' Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
And I’m not getting any straight answers.
Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.