What do you call two Egyptian guys farting at the same time?
Tootincommon
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They'd crack each other up
Why is Donald Trump happy about the impeachment result?
Because it’s the first time he’s gotten the most votes.
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire. Edit: Thanks for the silver (my first metal)!!
I refused to believe my son got fired as a road worker for theft.
But when I got home, all the signs were there
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the date they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
“You the bomb.” “No, you the bomb.”
A compliment in America. An argument in the Middle East.
What do you call a dinosaur with shoes on?
Zapatosaurus
Have you heard of the man who survived the electric chair
I was shocked but he wasn't
I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.
I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
“How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, 'Ribbit, ribbit' and a horny toad says, 'Rub it, rub it.'"
Classic joke for our Muslim friends today
There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do. As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''. So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were. John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'. The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink. Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan)
If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together
That would be one stone, gold motherfucker
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
I keep hearing music coming from the printer.
I think the paper is jamming.
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
I dig, You dig, We dig, He dig, She dig, They dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
A-merry-ca ‘ristmas, reddit
from all of US!
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a major scandal
I just imagine Elon-Gate would be really drawn out….
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza.
I guess I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian
Then Soviet
My wife is mad at me because I never buy her flowers
I didn’t know she even sold flowers!
My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but was not given the gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.
I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?" Father: "Sure son. What's the question?" Son: "What is Politics?" Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your need, so let's call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class" and your little brother, we can call "The Future". Do you understand son? Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it." That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. Son: "Dad, now I think i understand what politics is." Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?" Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit."
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me to masturbate in the cup.
I said: "Well I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete yet."
Why doesn’t America use the metric system?
They have a foot fetish
Did you hear about the monkeys Who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, “Watch this, brah!” hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.
"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot. "Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot. The plane just goes straight for a while. "How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot. The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?" The cargo pilot replies, "I went to the galley and got myself some more coffee."