What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage
What’s more expensive, a ladder or a diamond?
The latter.
My phone loves it when I drop it
It always cracks up
Is this sub still active?
There have been barely any posts all year.
Three brothers were competing to see who was able to give their elderly mother the best birthday gift
The first one bought her a mansion. The second one bought her a Porsche. The third one, knowing how religious their mom is, bought her a remarkable parrot. It took 18 monks 10 years to teach him how to recite the whole Bible. It’s one of a kind, it cost 20 million dollars. After some time, their mother sent out her letters of thanks: "John," she wrote to the first one, "The mansion you bought is too big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the entire house." "Peter," she wrote to the second one, "I’m too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Porsche." "Dearest Samuel," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was absolutely delicious!"
Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: “What are you doing there, Nancy?”
“My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.” The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?” Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
Looks like October is…. Octover
No text found
An African woman called Betty came into the restaurant.
Asked if we had chicken? I replied, “no, black Betty It’s ham or lamb.”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are standing, watching a street performer do some juggling.
The performer notices they have a rather poor view, so stands on a large box, asking 'Can you see me better now?' They reply: 'Yes' 'Oui' 'Si' 'Ja'
what do you call a canoe that’s 50% off?
A sale boat.
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish.
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt
She's probably pulling your leg.
I told my wife she painted her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
I keep asking people what LGBTQ+ stands for,
But I can never get a straight answer.
Me : Alexa where is my dad?
Alexa : Your dad is at a strip club in Las Vegas Me : Haha! gotcha alexa my dad is right next to me Alexa : Your mom's husband is next to you, your dad is at a strip club.
How do you get free tickets?
Drive over the speed limit.
Sheepdog: Yep, that’s 40 sheep there. Farmer: What, there should be only 37?
Sheepdog: Hey, I rounded them up!
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it
I’m sure there’s an army of weavers coming our way.
I just sense this looming dread.
My wife said I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?
She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.
My friend told me a very bad joke about gravity.
I still fell for it.
I am scared of E minor.
It gives me the E B G Bs
What does Yoda say when he is drunk?
Dear me it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantitiy to impair my speech
There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.” “No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.” “The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.” “And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poison”
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
… because Dawn is tough on Greece.
My obese parrot died the other day
I’m very sad but I gotta say it’s a big weight off my shoulders