What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?
Microtransaction
What does a magician say when he sells his stuff
No strings attached.
What do seismologists eat for breakfast?
Panquakes and shakin'
Hypothermia is the coolest way to die
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My favourite sex position is called “WOW” …
It's where I flip your MOM over
Jason Todd walks into a bar, where the Joker is behind the counter. He says “Jason, you know I can’t serve Robins here”
Jason asks "Why?" and Joker replies "this is a CROW bar!" Then he beats him to death.
I would’ve told you a joke about infinity…
But I don't think there's an end to it.
What do you call a 25 cent hooker?
A quarter pounder.
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office.
I am on season 6 so far, but not sure what it has got to do with security.
What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Peach gobbler.
Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out man.
I don’t always tell Dad jokes, but when I do he laughs.
No text found
My wisdom will kill me one day
I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home. Finally, it turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home. Imagine what would have happened to the bottle!…. Edit => Wow , thanks for all the upvotes. However, I feel bad, as it is not my own joke
OK. I admit it. I’m an unemployed leather worker.
I’ve got nothing to hide.
So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains…..
….maybe ours will now run on Thyme.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot
Those dudes are royal AF
I Can swear, I’ve seen someone who did the last one, and complained it didn’t work!😂
https://ift.tt/2NaXfvM
I bought a new pair of gloves today…
…but they're both "lefts". Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night
Not Happy
My wife got mad just because I hoovered up her contact lenses
Well, I guess she was wearing them at the time.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter.
P. Without it they're irate.
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died…
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
A cop walks up to a lawyer…
Lawyer: "I'm not saying another word without my lawyer present." Police: "But you are the lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, where's my present?"
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens
Did you know that today is the only day that tells you what to do?
March fourth! (I told this to my coworkers and none of them appreciated my sense of humor)
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay"? As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!", she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess."
Don’t take life too seriously.
You’ll never get out of it alive anyways.
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
One day Canada will take over the world…
Then you'll all be sorry!
A penguin is driving his car
A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just vanilla ice cream."
What’s the opposite of a waterfall?
A firefly
Little Johnny
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.
What do you call a yeti tattoo on your stomach?
Abdominal snowman
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo!!!!!!!!!!
