What do you call your grandma on speed dial?
Instagram.
A man takes his seat at the NBA final. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the NBA final?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last four NBA finals together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
Did you know the population of Ireland is growing at a faster rate than any other country in the world?
It’s capital has been Dublin every year.
Before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasn’t at work
She must have called in thick
I don’t know if this is a repost but some boomer on a discord server posted this
https://ift.tt/36JRQDy
Let me begin by telling you a little bit about myself..
It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'…
A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from Boston got into a fight, who won?
5th grader from Alabama, because he's 18 yrs old
What does a house wear?
Address
“What can you offer this restaraunt as the new food runner?”
"Well, I bring a lot to the table for starters.
I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.
I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.
This cancer game is easy
i'm already on stage 4
I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.
A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me. "Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"
Much more sad than funny, if he could only go a few days with out alienating the base.
https://ift.tt/2TBinOr
Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside..
So I decided to call a toe-truck.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper that way.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
I was in the bar last night and this guy said to me, “I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar!”
I asked, “Is that a fret?”
It’s almost December at the White House, and Donald Trump orders his aides to put up a nativity scene on the lawn…
After working for a few hours to set one up, the aides step back to look at their work. “It looks pretty good,” says the first one. “Yeah, but I’m not sure the boss will like it,” says the second. “What do you mean?” “Well, look at these three wise men. Three wise men? That sounds like Ivy League elitists to me. Plus, Frankincense and myrrh? I bet these guys are Arabs. The president wouldn’t like this at all.” The other aide agrees he has a point, so they take out the wise men and chuck them over the fence. “Do you think it’s ready now?” says the first aide. “Not really,” says the second one, “Look at Mary and Joseph – they’re refugees! I bet they’re bringing drugs and crime to Nazareth.” So they take out Mary and Joseph too. “Ok, I think we’re ready,” says the first one. “Not yet,” says the second, “look at the baby. His parents came from Egypt just so he could be born in Nazareth? Sounds like an anchor baby to me.” So they chuck out Jesus as well. Proud of their work, they head back to the Oval Office to let the president know they’ve finished. “Well?” He asks, “have you finished the most bigly tremendous decorations? We’re going to make Christmas great again.” “Yes, Mister President. We’re sure you’ll be very happy with it. We took out the wise men, Mary and Joseph, and Jesus.” “Well,” Trump asks, “what’s left?” “It’s just the way we thought you’d like it sir. One jackass and a whole bunch of sheep.”
You say the punchline first
How do you ruin a joke?
![Christopher Woken [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/9l85a9bqslt41-400x1280.jpg)
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
I’m gonna start a cocaine delivery service
I'll call it instagram
A new strain of lice is going around that is resistant to conventional treatments.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He didn't want to be spotted
(NSFW) I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was Motherfucking Gold.
Flight attendant stop the bus I’m sea sick!
Sir you are on a train
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punch line becomes a-parent
Before going to bed, a little child asks his dad a question.
"Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'once upon a time'"? The dad responds, saying "No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise…'"
There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.
One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job. One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died. "Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
