What do you discover when you find bones on the moon?
The cow didn't make it.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it? professor: okay there is one stupid question.
I said to my wife “When I die,” I’d like to die having sex”
She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"
I’m legally changing my last name to Osophy
I’m going to name my son Phil and from that point on everything I do will be for my son. That’s my Phil Osophy.
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
I just spotted an albino dalmatian…
It was the least I could do!
I called the doctor “My wife is going into labor! What should I do?” “Is this her first child?” he asked.
"No, this is her husband."
Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sitting there calmly…
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died" Dave replied, "Well, then just give me my money back" The farmer said, "Can’t do that. I went and spent it already" Dave said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse" The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Dave said, "I’m going to raffle him off" The farmer said, "You can’t raffle off a dead horse!" Dave said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead" A month Later, the farmer met up with Dave and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?" Dave said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495" The farmer said, "Didn’t anyone complain?" Dave said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back"
Now that people are isolated and bored they make a lot more dad jokes
It's a true pundemic
Why are ants immune to COVID-19?
They have anty-bodies
Cashier: Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger?
Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close.
I started a company…
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with “I”
Bobby: I is… Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is". Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW ?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected…
What concert costs just 45 cent?
50 Cent ft. Nickelback
Do you know how I learned 8 x 8 = 64 ?
I ate, I ate and got sick on the floor.
What do you call a french man wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillop
My mother used to tell me this joke time and again when I was a child.
A mosquito got old enough to fly on his own, when he came back his mother was happily waiting for him. -"How was your first flight, my dear?" The mother asked. -"Amazing." He answered "Everyone thought I was doing great!" -"Oh yeah? What makes you think that?" -"Well, wherever I went people started clapping!"
Does this counts as “when pigs fly”? ’cause if it does I may have a hot date tonight.
https://ift.tt/2Vi1kCo
My wife asked me to pick up some of those pills that help with getting an erection.
So I brought her home diet pills.
If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me not attractive.
They eventually would.
What’s the male version of a Karen called?
I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.
Another film has been released about a barrier in India.
It's a Sikh wall.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
We Germans might not be humorous but we will still make fun of that joke of a president
https://ift.tt/2o1O7Qg