What do you do for your daughter’s birthday?
spoiler
A woman is pregnant with triplets.
She lives in a terrible neighborhood and one day is caught in the middle of a drive by shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them. The woman ends up giving birth to two girls and a boy. 13 years later the first daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, I was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened. A few days later the second daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, my period just started and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened. A few days later she sees the son laughing hysterically and approaches him and asks what's the matter. The son replied, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
I always thought it would be difficult to have erectile dysfunction.
But it can't be that hard.
Only once every four years can a memer experience this kind of power
Only once every four years can a memer experience this kind of power
The problem with Trump jokes:
Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.
Crying should give you better skin.
Because when you cry, you moist your eyes.
My wife laughed at me when I told her I was building a car made of spaghetti..
Until I drove pasta
Which vegetable likes to line up the most?
A queuecumber
I have a russian friend who’s a sound engineer.
And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.
The psychic I go to can predict what’s going to happen two years from now.
He's got 2020 vision.
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?' 'I'm out of gas,' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. 'Try it now,' said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'? The bee answered, ‘BP’
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.
Why are mathematicians always so happy?
Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing.
We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy, wants to be a web designer.
Hmmm, doesn’t quite work when you’re still standing two foot next to each other.
https://ift.tt/2JK3nIV
I tried fitting in to a town with wind turbines….
But I just wasn't a big fan.
A man is lost in a hot air balloon
He sees a field below and descends to shout: "Hey can you tell me where I am? I'm trying to get to a friend whom I said I would meet in 30 minutes." The man in the field says: "Yes, you are in a red hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above the ground, in the middle of this field" "Ah, you must be an engineer", replies the balloonist "I am indeed, but how did you know?", asks the man. "Well", says the balloonist, "everything you've said is technically right, but is of no use to anyone" To this, the man replies: "Any you must work in management" The balloonist confirms this, but asks how the man knew. "Well", replies the man, "You don't know where you are, how to get where you're heading, made a promise you can't keep. You expect me to be able to help, but after all this time, we're in the exact same position we were before, but now it's my fault"
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
What do you call a cardigan that you don’t wear anymore?
A Discardigan.
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company
Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.
The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon." When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the same question. She told him she was a nurse. The man at the front desk thought "nurses are even sexier. This guy's going to get laid." The third couple checked in right after. The same question was asked. The bride said she was a high school teacher. The man behind the desk scoffed. "Teachers are so strict." He thought. "They'll probably go right to bed." Just an hour later, the first groom came down to eat. "Already? I thought you'd be spending the night with your new wife." Said the man "I tried!" Replied the groom. "But she insisted on tidying up the room." Another hour passed, and the second groom came down to get some food. The man asked "What are you doing down here so early?" And the groom said "Every time I tried to have sex with her, she just told me I wasn't clean enough." The man expected the third groom to come down soon, but he never did. He waited for hours and how's. Right near the end of his shift, the man finally saw the third groom come down, looking extremely tired. "There you are!" Said the man. "Did you get enough sleep?" "I never slept." Replied the groom. "My wife kept saying "We're going to do this again and again until you get it right."
What makes a good pizza joke?
It’s all in the delivery
My wife yelled at me for having no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Why was the castle prostitute tired all the time?
She worked knights.
What do being constipated and being bored have in common?
In both cases, you kind of just sit around waiting for shit to happen.
I went out with a one legged girl once who worked in a brewery.
She was in charge of the hops.
The argument
So a guy calls the front desk of the hotel he's staying at and says, "I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window." The front clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that sounds like a personal issue." And the guy says, "No, it's a maintenance issue. The window won't open."
What do you call a big group of Germans?
Germany. I'm no dad but I'll get myself into shape for when the time comes .
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
The past, present, and future walked into a bar.
It was tense.
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.