What do you do if a lady pushes you into a manhole?
Sewer.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooooom!
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted
As a spanish speaking dude I really appreciate when people approach me and say “mucho”.
It means a lot to me.
To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles.
In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair
I named my dick sgt. Hartman.
Cause it's good at drilling privates.
My wife said sex has become a chore.
So for mothers day I've hired her some help.
I just donated 100$ to a charity for blind children
But I doubt they'll ever see any of the money
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial Arts
What are smart people called in America?
Tourists.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
Why did Thor lose his power to use lighting?
His father grounded him
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
r/ProgrammerHumor best of 2019 nominations thread
Please leave your nominations as replies to this thread. All other comments will be deleted.You can nominate any comment or post in the subreddit that was posted during this year.You can nominate multiple posts or comments, but please make a separate comment for each.Make sure you directly link to the post or comment you’re nominating, and not the content.
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
We’re in Trouble
The population of this country is 327 million. 76 million are retired. That leaves 251 million to do the work. There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled. Which leaves 203 million to do the work There are 74 million children younger than 6 Which leaves 129 million to do the work There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school. Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work. At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military. Leaving 14.8 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East. Which leaves 12 million to do the work. Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,012,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are, Sitting on your ass, At your computer, reading jokes. Nice. Real nice.
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
In The Matrix, Neo’s mother was good at addition
She knew how to carry The One
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands;
There are no canaries there either.
What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs?
A mathemachicken.
“My friend Steve drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.
Well, it's what he would have wanted."
A farmer has 3 bulls and 200 cows
One of the bulls is large and has 100 cows to himself. The second bull is medium sized and has 70 cows. The third bull is small and has 30 cows. One day the farmer gets another bull. The large bull says, “I don’t care how big he is, he’s not getting a single one of my cows.” The medium bull says, “Same here, those are my cows.” The small bull agrees saying, “I’ll fight if I have to, but he’s not taking my cows.” The new bull is brought to the farm. The trailer is shaking, and the door bursts open. One of the farmhands is launched backwards, and massive bull comes out of the trailer. The large bull says, “Forget it, he can have my cows.” The medium bull, quivering by now, says, “No way can I stop him. I guess he can have my cows, too.” They look to the small bull to see him raring up for a fight. “What the hell are you doing?! You can’t hope to take him,” they scream to the small bull. The small bull calmly replies, “I’m trying to make sure he knows I’m not a cow.”
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ means
But no one has given me a straight answer
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.
I used to have three children, until an accident happened.
I now have four.
Why do walruses swim in salt water?
Because if they swam in peppered water they’d sneeze all the time.
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
“You’re coming home now!” she screamed. “No, I’m not,” I laughed. She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”
Does my thai girlfriend have a dick
Something inside me is telling me yes
How does the KKK brew Whiskey?
In a Cracker Barrel.
People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I’d never be any good at poetry.
But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.
My penis talked to me once…
Turns out he's a real dick.