What do you do if you break your leg in two places?
Never, EVER go back to those two places.
Most people know that Sin City is Vegas… But do they know what Den City is?
Mass divided by volume
What type of practice is Dr. Pepper?
A fizzician…
I dropped some tortilla chips and some cheese the other day.
My wife asked if I needed help to clean it up. I said don't worry it's nacho problem.
I’m really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.
Now every little ting is gonna be all right!
When 2 people have sex, its a twosome. When 3 people have sex, its a threesome
Now I know why people call you handsome
A friend of mine has just got a job as a director at Macdonalds farm.
He's been made the CIEIO
A woman in labor suddenly shouted……..
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" "Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7?
They just, like, literally can't even
Rare photo of Melania Trump genuinely smiling. Taken at the roast of Donald Trump.
https://ift.tt/2XXbsk2
Last night my date asked, “So how come you haven’t already been snapped up?” I replied, “I’ve been married before, but it didn’t work out. She said I was far too inattentive.”
"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?" "Probably."
My teenager took his driving test today and managed to get 8 out of 10.
The remaining 2 jumped out of the way.
A clown just held the door open for me,
I thought it was a nice Jester.
I was accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
Interrupting Cow Adaptation
Knock-Knock "who's there?" Interrupting Snail. "Interrupting snail wh-" SNAIL.
The first time I got a universal remote control
I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea. (Courtesy of my 6 year old)
One cosy Friday evening, my girlfriend said she wanted to watch Grease.
So I made her stand in front of a deep fat fryer.
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and say, “That’s a girl’s name!” Terry shoots you.
You have died of dissin' Terry.
Confucious say a man who runs in front of bus gets tired.
A man who runs behind gets exhausted.
I was beaten up by a busty women in an elevator.
I was staring at her boobs when she said “would you please press one?” So I did.
Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.
It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.
A chicken pie in jamaica costs £2.00 A chicken pie in trinidad costs £2.15 A chicken pie in st kitts costs. £2.30
These are the pie-rates of the carribean
A shoplifter stole an entire case of red bull from my store
I don’t know how he sleeps at night
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids…
I'm a faux pa.
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy-woman”
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately." Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. “And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
I told my 3yr old daughter “I’m tired.”
"Oh. I thought you were daddy!" I've never been so proud.
How easy is it to get Reddit karma?
Repost a popular joke from yesterday, It’s a piece of cake.
Last night, I explained to my son what the word “bargain” means.
I think it meant a great deal to him.
If you see somebody robbing an Apple store,
does that make you an iWitness?
How do you make holy water?
Boil the heck out of it.
If anyone says you have to work 365 days in 2020 in order to succeed, they don’t have your best interests in mind and is preaching toxic hustle culture
You need to work 366 days cause it’s a leap year
The Logical Redneck
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example." "Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "Fag."
69 fought 70
71
My wife said I was being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
Why do walruses swim in salt water?
Because if they swam in peppered water they’d sneeze all the time.
