What do you do if you break your leg in two places?
Never, EVER go back to those two places.
Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal…
…until the pressure got to him.
What do you call a polite man who builds bridges?
A civil engineer
A guy walks into a dentist office.
He says "Doc, you have to help me! I think I am a moth!" The Dentist says "I can't help you, I'm a dentist, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you even come in here?" The man replies "The light was on."
What do you call a lottery just for brooms?
A sweepstake.
I hate sausage puns. They are the wurst.
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Vegans say whoever sells meat is disgusting, well
i say people who sell vegetables are grocer.
![[True story] My Grandma and Grandpa were arguing. My grandpa exclaimed, “I’m the King, and you’re nothing!” So my Grandma replied…](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/no_image_card-103-400x247.png)
[True story] My Grandma and Grandpa were arguing. My grandpa exclaimed, “I’m the King, and you’re nothing!” So my Grandma replied…
“Oh yeah? Then you’re the King of nothing!”
A linguistic professor was giving a lecture.
" In English, a double negative becomes a positive. But it is not true for every language. In Russian, a double negative still remains a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative." Student – "yeah, right".
The creator of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn’t a drunk. He was just shitty at Trivia.
A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.
The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded. The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.” The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.” The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.” The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?” “Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier. “What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?” “No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli. So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?” “What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?
A man needs to hire someone to fix his broken fence.
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked. The monk replied "religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid!
Today I stepped on a hipster‘s foot
Now he is a hopster
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing" the woman says and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
My wife just told me to put the toilet seat down.
I don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place
Thanks Coronavirus, now that I work from home I finally had time to make some memes
https://ift.tt/39UnteV
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink ?
Pencils posed a problem, 2B or not 2B
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin’ they hatin’
What was the name of the werewolf YouTuber?
Lycan Subscribe
New Teslas don’t come with a new car smell
They come with an Elon Musk.
Last night, I explained to my son what the word “bargain” means.
I think it meant a great deal to him.
What’s a pirate’s favorite juice?
The Hi-C
At first I didn’t like having a beard
But then it grew on me
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
What did the baby corn say to the momma corn?
Where's pop corn?
I got in a fight with frequency the other day
I lost and it still Hertz
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I’m disappointed.
