What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Melt them down, make a tyre and call it a good year.
I wanted a tattoo of the number 3.14 on my arm…
But my wife said that was irrational.
Growing up, my teachers told me I was worthless and would never amount to anything in life.
Being homeschooled sucks.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted……..
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" "Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.
But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.
Why do pirates listen to opera music?
Because they love the high Cs.
Itโs incredible how many people confuse โtoโ and โtooโ.
Itโs amazing two me.
An adorable old woman visits the doctor.
โDoctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesnโt bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, Iโve farted at least ten times since Iโve been here in your office. You didnโt know I was farting because it doesnโt smell and is silent.โ The doctor says, โI see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.โ The next week the lady returns. โDoctor,โ she says, โI donโt know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly.โ โGood,โ the doctor says. โNow that weโve cleared up your sinuses, letโs work on your hearing.โ
So what if I don’t know what “apocalypse” means.
ย It's not like it's the end of the world
At the hearings, Kavanaugh was asked how he would prefer to cross a waist deep river, in a rowboat or simply walk across it
He said he doesn't want to give an opinion on Row Vs. Wade
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.
Tenor twelve feet away from her and all musical instruments at all times.
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
I’m fine with alchohol, cigarettes and marijuana
But coccaine is where I draw the line
oh its very racist, but against peple who dont matter, so its ok.
oh its very racist, but against peple who dont matter, so its ok.
You don’t want me to close your wound for you?
Fine, suture self.
I don’t understand why people are celebrating pi day.
It's irrational.
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business for the next week.
My new girlfriend is so needy…
She keeps making demands like, "Untie me! Tell me who you are!"
Watched a movie in 1440p for the first time yesterday.
It was my new year's resolution.
What do you call a group of Nazi birds?
The Goose-Tapo
Kung Fu student asks his teacher
"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated. And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me “Do you need help?”
I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"
Unicyclists think they’re so superior…
Like, get off your pedal-stools.
I can’t stand when my wife
tells me to sit
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
One day, Billy saw Mom jumping on Dad in bed.
During breakfast the next morning, Billy asks Mom "Why do you jump on Daddy before going to bed every night?". The Mom, looking over at Dad with a embarrased expression, says "Well, your Daddy gets very fat every night eating dinner, so I have to jump on him to get his stomach flat.". The Son says "Oh, well, that won't work.." said the Son. The Mom, now curious, asks why not, and the son say "Well, as soon as you fall asleep, Ms.Dollip (Their neighbor) comes in and blows him back up again."
what do you call a canoe that’s 50% off?
A sale boat.
I donโt often tell dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
Which President is the least guilty?
Lincoln. Heโs in a cent
Sherlock Holmes walks into his house with a basket full of lemons.
Watson asks, "Where did you get so many lemons?" Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.."
One plant says to the other, hey, are you hungry?
Well, I could use a light snack.
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
Hispanic attacks