What do you get it you ask a politician to tell ‘the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth’?
3 different answers
Why was the baby jalapeno shivering?
He was a little chili.
Why were people running towards Finland?
It was a race to the Finnish.
Helium walks into a bar
The bartender says, "Sorry but you're gonna have to leave; we don't serve noble gases here." Helium does not react
Lawyer joke from my 8 year old
What do you call a crappy lawyer? An a-turd-ney
I don’t just play soccer cause I like the sport.
I’m just in it for kicks.
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing.
One day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
Then I realized my whole life was a joke.
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
orion’s belt is a waist of space…
terrible joke, only three stars
Confucious say a man who runs in front of bus gets tired.
A man who runs behind gets exhausted.
Shout out to my GPS
I don't know where I'd be without it
My grandpa said that we youngsters rely on technology too much.
I replied "no, you do" and unplugged his life support.
What do you do if a turkey starts chasing you during a snow storm?
You run away. Turns out you can't just stop cold turkey.
A tad dark for this subreddit, but alas. Why is gun control even a partisan issue anymore?
https://ift.tt/2sVtveZ
Two termites walk into a bar and ask
Is the bar tender here?
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
How does Wesley serve your steak dip sandwich?
Au jus wish.
My doctor advised me to eat cleaner.
So now I shower before every meal.
As I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
Why can’t Usain Bolt listen to music while running?
Because he keeps breaking the record.
A man dies and he’s able to be in heaven and in hell for 1 day so he could choose which he likes best.
And heaven was boring as fuck and hell was a 24/7 hookers and blow non stop party. So the next day he goes back to st Peter? And says, "nah.. I'm going to stay in hell" and when he goes back down with the devil it's all torture and Sulphur and fire and brimstone and he goes to the devil and says "what the fuck?? Where are the hookers and blow? The dj and pools?" and the devil responds…. "well, that's the difference between being a tourist and being an immigrant"
I don’t trust umbrellas.
They're shady.
Did you know the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France?
They were actually cooked in Greece
Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog!
Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs. Me: sigh Yeah… my dog has a real problem.
I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform…
straightaway I knew he was a keeper
What do you call a bisexual person who is single?
They are on standbi
