What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with Lassie and Scooby-Doo?
My girlfriend broke up with me since I made too many bowling jokes.
I guess they just weren't up her alley. God she's such a pinhead.
Exactly How It Would Go…
A duck walks into a bar…
One lunchtime a duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and an all day breakfast. The bartender looks at him and says, "Fucking hell! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my fry up please?" "Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his fry up, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens every lunchtime for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him: "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats fry ups, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the bartender. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the bartender. "The fucking circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?" "Yeah!" the bartender replies. "With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck. "Of course," the bartender replies. "And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a fucking big hole in the middle?" says the duck. "That's right!" says the bartender. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "Why the fuck would they want a plasterer?"
Good ol humans
Everyone switch to Svelte!
I’m not addicted to cocaine.
I just like the way it smells.
Deal or no deal?
Women can’t control their emotions
I heard you guys like educational memes ?
And also Stackoverflow for informatics.
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman.
The General replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and General went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the General and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956…" The General looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
You thought you could beat me?
How fast does light travel?
a. 10,000 km/s b. 100,000 km/s c. d. 1,000,000 km/s
After my performance at the shooting gallery, the coach said, “Take a bow.”
"Shooting isn't your cup of tea," he continued, "You better switch to archery."
new hands free
Why do people love whiteboards so much?
They're just remarkable
How does a tree access the internet?
It logs on.
My grandad always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
Cattle Farmers respond to Federal Agents burning marijuana fields next door.
"In these troubled times, the steaks have never been higher."
Pooh is watching
Ad in the wrong place
We need a sub icon, something like this can work
My friend went completely bald years ago, but he still carries a comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
Well boys, issues no more.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: holding a cup Do it to my tea! Magician: waves hand Done! om: holding a cup It didn't work
I can only see benefits here
Gotta help the job creators first.
Couldn’t stop thinking about this for a while.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s easy to deter the ladies from eating tide pods but…
it’s more difficult to deter…gents
I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.
He wasn’t happy
I told my 3yr old daughter “I’m tired.”
"Oh. I thought you were daddy!" I've never been so proud.
I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I’ve ever had.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis.
100 million of us need to join a different party
What’s the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Heisenberg with his Uncertainty Principle: Hello there!
Taking out the trash
As a Non-American, This is how I see Democrat and Republican Presidents
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
Sadly, this isn’t quite true for us 😥
[borderline fit] source in comments
Today is a day to celebrate motherfuckers.
Happy Father's Day!
A doctor says “The good news is it’s all in your head.”
"The bad news is it's brain cancer."
My friend told me a coronavirus joke…
…but I still haven’t gotten it.
The one true evil
Humor. Of the boomer.
My daughter came home from school screaming at me
"I’ve just had sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before marriage, my boyfriend will die!" I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”
Take a chill pill
Oh hell naww
found in my local dollar general
Henry is no dummy
It speaks for itself…
A muslim woman is getting arrested
The police officer handcuffs her “You have the right to remain silent” he says. She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior. “Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”
Well at least he wasn’t alone
My spirit animal is a half way reheated meatball
Why will Congress never impeach Trump?
Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
Just like the router
My staircase was getting a lot of buzz, then it blew up
It’s gone spiral
Congratulations, you played yourself
but… I did all the important stuff
What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock’s vagina in Bird Box?
Bandersnatch. I'm sorry.