What do you get when you cross Father’s Day and Cake day?
Extra Karma… I hope.
What’s the difference between a hooker and jesus?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
I just got a new job at a bicycle repair shop.
I’m their new spokesman.
I asked my Wife “Am I the only one you’ve been with?”
“Yes… but I’ve had some sevens and eights.” She replied.
Where do Squirrels go during Hurricanes?
It depends on which direction the wind is blowing.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener.
I once paid $20.00 to see Prince perform
But I partied like it was $19.99
Why was the boxer in the furniture shop?
He was shopping for beddingdingding.
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm… that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says "woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire. Edit: Thanks for the silver (my first metal)!!
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long
A pithon Happy pi day
My daughter asked me what the opposite of isolate is.
I told her yousoearly
Its getting too hot to wear a suit
The weather just isn't suitable
Bouncer?
Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave." "Why?" "I don't know who you are and this is my trampoline."
My parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 21 years ago and people are still laughing at it.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day I was hired.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
Wrong E-mail Address
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife set to fly down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent it. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Date: July 19, 2010 Subject: I've Arrived I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
One night, a Boston police officer knocked on a woman’s door.
"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news". "Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies. The officer replied: "I'm sorry, but somone stabbed your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor." The woman began wailing, and crumpled to her knees. Utterly despondent she begged the cop: "Please, what could possibly be the good news?" He replied: "Well Ma'am, when we pulled him up he had 20 four-pound lobsters crawling on him. Would you like one?" Sobbing even louder, the woman shouted: "How DARE you! I've never been so insulted in my entire life!" The officer replied: "Well, if you change your mind, we're pulling him up again tomorrow morning."
I thought my son was straight.
But then he got bi with a little help from his friends.
Did anyone else’s parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.
Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.
To the person who hacked into my reddit account…
I will find you, and I will kill you. edit: no you wont
Did you hear about the guy in 1981 that got LSD and LDS mixed up?
Instead of going on a trip, he went on a mission.
Have you ever been to a corn field in the middle of the night
And felt like you were being STALKED It can feel very EARY Sorry about this pun being too CORNY The joke must really SHUCK
A wise man once said
With great power comes great electricity bills
What did a Buddhist say to a hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.