What do you get when you cross Father’s Day and Cake day?
Extra Karma… I hope.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him…
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies: "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says: "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly: "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
An egg breakup is hard, but after that..
It’s over easy
Is it just me or are circles pointless
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My calculator is missing the minus button….
But on the plus side it still works.
Why did Bill Barr gas protestors?
So the chicken could cross the road
Two priests were driving in a car and got pulled over.
The police officer said “Hello gentleman, we are looking for two child molesters” the two priests talk quietly to them selves for a moment the turn the the officer and one of them says “Alright Officer we will do it!”
My wife told me, “ Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
A blonde woman wants to prove she is smart.
So she dyes her hair brunette and goes out for a challenge. She finds a shepherd with a big herd, and asks him if she can guess the number of sheep in the first try and if she guesses right she could keep one of the sheep. The shepherd agrees. After a good look at the herd she thinks and tells him: 258. The shepherd in amusement that she guessed the right number, agrees to give her a sheep of her choosing. She takes another look, grabs one she liked and starts to proudly walk away. Then she hears the shepherd calling her, she turns around and he asks her: If I guess the natural color of your hair, would you give me my dog back?
I went to blockbuster back in 1996 and asked the man if I could rent “Batman Forever”
He said: "No sir, Ill need it back tomorrow night"
What did the mod say to the redditor?
[removed]
Did you hear about the mathematician that was afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
What happens when potatoes smoke marijuana?
They get baked.
Punguins
/r/puns/comments/gm62au/heard_of_the_extinct_species_that_used_to_cohabit/
What do you call a hippies wife. Mississippi…..
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Jesus walks into a bar
“Just twelve waters please!” Winks at disciples
I got mugged by six dwarves last night.
Not happy.
McCain: Held as POW during Vietnam War Trump: Evaded Vietnam War, now hides in bunker
https://ift.tt/2UpdAjr
Australians don’t have sex
Australians mate
With great power comes a huge electricity bill.
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My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy enough…
At least, that’s what it says in her diary…
My girlfriend is a star on pornhub.
And she'll kill me if she finds out.
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi
I thought about inventing a pencil with an eraser at both ends.
But I didn't see the point.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar
Ahhh, those were the days.
