What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the titanic?
Half-way.
Why did the banana company fire the truck driver?
He drove them nuts.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
I think it’s wrong that only one company…
…makes the game Monopoly.
Why cant Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he is married
What does Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?
You have to be asleep or they can't come.
What do you call Hitler speeding?
The Fast and the Fuherous.
What does a horny frog say
Rubbit
I said to my wife, “I need to call the doctor today.” She asked, “Which doctor?”
"No, the regular kind."
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me
A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.
She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!
A husband and wife were fighting.
Wife:why is it that you don't like anyone from my side of family? Husband: No way, I love your Mother-in-law more than my Mother-in-law.
My friend’s girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.
Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.
Today a girl kissed me
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
“If organ trafficking is illegal….”
"Then what about pianos?" -my half drunk dad
A man’s fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
Who has two thumbs and loves Peter Pan?
Not Captain Hook.
Four engineers get into a car. the car won’t start.
The mechanical engineer says : "its a broken starter" The electrical engineer : "dead battery" The chemical engineer: "impurities in the gasoline" The IT engineer: "Hey guys , i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Why did Disney make frozen 2?
Because they couldn't let it go
I bought my friend an elephant for their room
They said, "Thanks." "Don't mention it," I answered.
My son said “Look! I’m a 3D printer!”
I told him to shut the toilet door when he poops.
![[Legit] found this gem on the bookface](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/i8kmpqdiv9o11-400x442.jpg)
Peter Dinklage turned 51 today.
It's been fun watching Dinkl age.
Life is like a penis,
it’s the women that make it hard
I just made sure my son inherits our bathroom scale after I die.
Because where there’s a will, there’s a weigh.
[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. ”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring”. ”It was just the right rythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She pauses to wipe away a tear, and continued, ”He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”
A woman reported one of her coworkers for sexual harassment because he said he liked the way her hair smelled. The HR rep said that it wasn’t sexual harassment.
The woman replied, "But it was the midget".
Why did the cannibal die of COVID-19?
Too many handshakes
Dude, where’s my
https://ift.tt/2pry5ze
What’s blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint
I saw two women exercising today.
They were taking a walk but were way too close to each other given the social distancing orders. When I confronted them about the need to keep at least 6 feet apart, one of them looked at me dumbfounded and said, "We're just trying to flatten our curves!"
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt…
She's probably pulling your leg.
arnold schwarzenegger was asked to update his laptop to windows 10 but he said…
…I still love vista baby.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
… because Dawn is tough on Greece.
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch…
They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
