What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD
A trip without the kids.
But he said he couldn’t help as my garden was portrait.
Yep. It's our bison-tennial.
A tattoo parlour in my neighborhood is offering a free tattoo to anyone who would flash their boobs.
It’s their Tit for Tat special.
After all, they’re still stuck in the last decade
Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?" Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior." Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?" Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants." Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?" Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down."
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Because if it had 4 doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.
They did unspeakable things to her.
I think she’s in love with me.
At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree" He is allowed into heaven The second man pulls out his keys "these represent bells" He is allowed into heaven The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear Saint Peter: good lord what do those represent?! The third man says "oh well these, these are Carols"
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
and a Czech one too.
She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"
But I can't see myself wearing it
“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr. “I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man. “Have you tried birth control?” “I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!” “Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?” “I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!” Confounded, the Dr. says bluntly, “well, have you tried not sleeping with your wife?” “I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!!”
as i grew up i just realised it was just my imagine-asian
It’s syncing now
Prophets are going through the roof.
I'm not coming in this morning.
I told him I knew a bit
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you
They both get accepted to heaven. However, they ask St. Peter if they could get married in heaven, as they were already planning their wedding. "Look. Usually, we do not do that here. But since you had a wedding planned already on Earth, I think you could be an exception. But I should let you know, it will take a really long time to sort everything out. Maybe even years." says St. Peter. They do not mind. After five years, they suddenly see St. Peter running towards them, shouting happily from distance: "Everything is sorted out! You two can now marry each other!" They have the wedding, but after some time, the love begins to fade and they realise they are no longer right for each other, so they ask the St. Peter if it is possible to get a divorce in heaven. Peter looks at them and says: "It took FIVE YEARS until even one priest got here. How long do you think you will have to wait for a lawyer?" If this joke has been posted before, sorry.
How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?
I told her this isn’t working out
Officer: I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a horrible car accident Husband: But she has a great personality.
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!
The plot thickens.
Airport security, for example.
I can't make it stop but i can help them rise above it. The other day i said to them, “Look, boys…”
They get really annoyed