What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD
A trip without the kids.
I hired a landscape gardener…
But he said he couldn’t help as my garden was portrait.
My family just celebrated the 200th anniversary of owning a buffalo farm!
Yep. It's our bison-tennial.
A tattoo parlour in my neighborhood is offering a free tattoo to anyone who would flash their boobs.
It’s their Tit for Tat special.
As an Aussie, I feel sorry for my American friends and their government
After all, they’re still stuck in the last decade
Christen Joke
Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?" Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior." Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?" Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants." Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?" Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down."
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.
I think she’s in love with me.
3 men die and go to heaven
At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree" He is allowed into heaven The second man pulls out his keys "these represent bells" He is allowed into heaven The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear Saint Peter: good lord what do those represent?! The third man says "oh well these, these are Carols"
My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician,
and a Czech one too.
I said to my wife “When I die,” I’d like to die having sex”
She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"
I just bought a new blindfold
But I can't see myself wearing it
A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies…
“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr. “I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man. “Have you tried birth control?” “I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!” “Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?” “I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!” Confounded, the Dr. says bluntly, “well, have you tried not sleeping with your wife?” “I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!!”
When i was younger i had a invisible Japanese friend…
as i grew up i just realised it was just my imagine-asian
What do you call a group of Nazi birds?
The Goose-Tapo
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic
It’s syncing now
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
[NSFW] What’s the difference between this morning and my bosses daughter?
I'm not coming in this morning.
A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s
I told him I knew a bit
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you
A young couple dies just a few days before their planned wedding.
They both get accepted to heaven. However, they ask St. Peter if they could get married in heaven, as they were already planning their wedding. "Look. Usually, we do not do that here. But since you had a wedding planned already on Earth, I think you could be an exception. But I should let you know, it will take a really long time to sort everything out. Maybe even years." says St. Peter. They do not mind. After five years, they suddenly see St. Peter running towards them, shouting happily from distance: "Everything is sorted out! You two can now marry each other!" They have the wedding, but after some time, the love begins to fade and they realise they are no longer right for each other, so they ask the St. Peter if it is possible to get a divorce in heaven. Peter looks at them and says: "It took FIVE YEARS until even one priest got here. How long do you think you will have to wait for a lawyer?" If this joke has been posted before, sorry.
By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden
How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?
I walked in on my girlfriend in bed with her personal trainer
I told her this isn’t working out
A man answers the door and sees two police officers standing there.
Officer: I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a horrible car accident Husband: But she has a great personality.
Two antennas met on a rooftop, fell in love and got married…
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!
As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I don’t like people that take drugs.
Airport security, for example.
I’ve got two kids, jane and emma, they get bullied at school.
I can't make it stop but i can help them rise above it. The other day i said to them, “Look, boys…”
Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in the Post Office
They get really annoyed
