What do you get when you mix Spongebob with Clint Eastwood
Dirty Squarey
Whatβs the difference between a computer and an American?
An American doesnβt have trouble-shooting.
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas,
can't wait to see how it turns out.
Did you know?
When a short person waves at you, it's called a microwave
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad : No, it doesnβt.
I hired the most obese personal assistant I could find.
Sheβs a really big help.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Cause he Neverlands.
My kid got sunburned on only one of their butt cheeks
My wife said I did a half ass job applying sunscreen
WHAT DO WE WANT? LOW FLYING PLANES! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
NEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW!!
I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas…
FML, now I'm stuck taking care of the puppy.
I love the way the earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
I’m so sick of people saying stealing is wrong.
I just don't buy it.
if you’re going to do this, just market it as an off-hour discount like everyone else
if you’re going to do this, just market it as an off-hour discount like everyone else
What do you call a hen that counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken.
Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off
I think Iβm being stalked
βJudge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!β
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, βThatβs outrageous!β
He just shrugged and said, βThatβs inflation for you.β
Whatβs 6.9?
A great thing ruined by a period
Iβve tried to use the word βmuchoβ when speaking with my Hispanic friends.
It really means a lot to them.
What do you call a sleep-walking nun?
A roaminβ Catholic…
What does an island and the letter T have in common
They both are in the middle of water
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. They are efficient and not very funny
Life lesson
You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.(edited)
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!
I asked a friend what he thought of dry ice.
He said it was absolutely sublime.
So, this dude was walking down a beach and kicked a lamp, and a magic genie pops out.
The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do. So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle. I would love to ride it around the world. Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?" The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of disappointment tells the guy "while I am in fact a mighty powerful genie, not all wishes can be granted. A wish of that magnitude is impossible. Think of something else". The guy thinks for a moment and says "ya know what Gene? I love reading reddit. One of my favorite subreddits is r/jokes, but all that is there are reposts. Can you get some new material on there for me?" The genie replies "Ok…..so was that a two lane, or four lane highway?"
As a male, if a girl gets undressed in front of you, she is either interested in you or you’re level 100 friendzoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet.
British Humour
The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!' An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.
you guys know how i like to tell my dad jokes?
well i cant because he's not here