What do you guys think is the most annoying misspelling of a track and field event?
He asks his mom for a brand new car so he can drive around, but his mon tells him that if he wants his own car, he'd have to work for it and get it himself. The mom leaves for work the next morning, and when she comes back that night she sees all the street lights in her cul-de-sac covered in bed covers. She goes into her house and finds her son hauling what covers remain out the door. "Jeffrey!" she exclaims, "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" "You don't know?" the kid says, "Sheet posts are the best way to get the car, ma!!"
If they did, school shootings would involve a LOT more tea bagging.
I was grocery shopping with my wife and she was picking up holiday hand soap. She asked me which ones I liked. I grabbed two different ones off the shelf and said "let me give you my two scents"
Boss said it was because I had no filter
Be a shame if someone put an S in front of it and an E behind it.
My family takes monopoly too seriously
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Somebody who stays up all night, debating whether or not there is a dog.
Because he was my newt
I’ll try harder in 2018.
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
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It wasn’t much of a wedding but the reception was wonderful.
"Who the fuck is Susan?" I asked. She said, "You tell me. You were the one sleep talking."
Because she went to woo Han.
It’s when a British person takes a good look at something
It said "Parking Fine"
Use this to roast a friend…you’re welcome
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”
I can always count on them.
So I gave him a glass of water…
Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, “The end is near!!” Man, I really hate…
…living next to Farmer Geddon!
so, being a fan of Undertale, i know a skeleton of skelepuns. lemme tell ya, they’re all rib ticklers.
Unless you count Dracula.