What do you study in music college?
mathematics puns make me feel number.
so that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
It's okay, the teacher woke him up!
But when I do, he usually laughs
Nail salons closed, Lash salons closed, Hair salons closed, Tanning salons closed, waxing salons closed…
It's about to get ugly out there. Stay safe.
You have no more energy left to live, you just need try to fuel yourself.
A: Because he's married.
It was two tired
For hispanic attacks
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad. Wife: No you're not.
You make me sick.
Bought a bing. Bought a boom.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
I just imagine Elon-Gate would be really drawn out….
Well, that’s the plan, anyways
The man had initially agreed to the meeting, but he was having some serious second thoughts. He knew what they were planning to do was illegal, and could land him in some serious trouble. Man: I don't know, I'm not sure if I should. I mean, your parents would kill me if they found out. I know they wouldn't approve… Girl: I don't care about them. I care about this. Please. Man: You know it's going to hurt at first, right? Girl: I'm not worried about that. I trust you, I've known you since I was a little girl. I want it to be you. Man: I want to, I really want to, but it's against the law. You're too young. Girl: Oh, come on! Age is just a number. And besides, you know how badly I want it. I've been asking you to give it to me for weeks now. Please! I need it inside me! And with that, the man finally relented. He knew the law, he knew the consequences, but he just didn't care anymore. What he was about to do was worth the risk. The man gave the girl her measles vaccine.
Because they're good buoys.
I've got a kid who's dealing with a pretty heavy anxiety disorder and mornings are particularly rough on him. Horrible jokes help distract him until everything kicks in, so I've been leaning on this sub. It's good to see him laugh and groan at the breakfast table and all of you monsters make that possible. So, yeah. From one dad to others (actual or honorary,) thanks for the assist.
Plagiarism (thanks to my 11 year old for that one!)
I heard they’re gonna give them a really tough sentence
does he get high or medium?
It’s all about raisin awareness
I was in a taxi when the driver said“I love my job! I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!”. I said “Great. Now take a left here!”
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him
My mom used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid and insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it…
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth…
The times are rough
I’m voting for an old, senile, racist, sexist, white man with rape allegations this year for president.
But I’m still not sure which one to pick.
It’s a small world.
In a cult the main person knows it's all bullshit. In religion that person is dead.
There was an island with three kingdoms on it. Let's call them A, B and C. The island had a fresh water lake on it and the lake itself had an island. The three kingdoms always kept fighting over this island. One day the three kingdoms decided to settle this dispute once it for all and sent small portions of their armies. Kingdom A sent 15 knights and 25 squires; kingdom B send 20 knights and 25 squires and Kingdom C sent one knight and one squire. The knights decided among themselves that this fighting was beneath them and decided to let the squires settle things by themselves. While the squires of Kingdom A and Kingdom B were warming up, the squire of Kingdom C erected a tall pole, tied a noose to it and hung a pot in the noose. When they actually started fighting, the squire of kingdom C was able to successfully fight off all the other squires, because the squire of the high-pot-and-noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
Asking for a friend.
She said “fuck you” so I’m very excited for 2020
Doctor: “Let’s call it.”
It doesn't last long for fat people.
Love means nothing to them