What do you use to draw baths
Water colors
Now that people are isolated and bored they make a lot more dad jokes
It's a true pundemic
Just caught my son spanking a cardboard cutout of Dwayne Johnson.
He’s officially hit Rock bottom.
I can’t believe someone stole my limbo pole the other day…
I mean, how low can you go?
4 Bedroom, “2” bathrooms – Perfect New Home for a Systems Admin
I am not poking fun at anyone for being lower income, you can tell by the picture it’s a nice home. But in my search for a home I found this house and their master “bathroom” really sold me.https://imgur.com/j1345OnPlease post all potty IT jokes
So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?
But when I cuddle another guy I’m “a creep” and “need to leave the morgue immediately”
Sign outside strip club shuttered due to COVID-19:
“Sorry, we’re clothed.”
What bird never knows the lyrics to a song?
A hummingbird!
As my teacher once said “To the side, to the side”
As my teacher once said “To the side, to the side”
Breaking a leg during an audition…
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
If you see somebody robbing an Apple store,
does that make you an iWitness?
In college, I lived in a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test…..we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car………
Japanese foods have such weird names.
They always claim to be yaki but are actually pretty yummy.
It’s incredible how many people confuse “to” and “too”.
It’s amazing two me.
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 8,008 trees…
…and I've got the logs to prove it!
My wife and I are both feminist
But, as a man, I'm just a bit better at it.
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso, when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one…
Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file. The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" “My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also." It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men. The Jewish man then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?" The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they're always stuffed.
I can’t see an end, have no control and don’t think there’s any escape! I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard!!
A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.
"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?" The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small. "Um…barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs. Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help. A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!" The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup. Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl. He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey…I'm…Tom." She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking…" she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?" He glances back at the bar. "Yeah…sorry," he pants. "I wanted…to impress you, but…it turned out to be…a pretty cheesy…pig-cup line."
What sound does a tiny cow make
µ Please ignore this text. It's only here to add more words because a single letter joke gets removed by the mods, who don't subscribe to the belief that brevity is the soul of wit. Thank you for not reading this message.
I used to live on the 13th floor but have just moved up to the 14th.
But that’s another storey.
Where did captain hook buy his hook
The second hand store
Caught my wife going through the neighbours bins…
She's not nosey, just terrible at parking!
First thing men look into a women is her heart
That her breasts are in the way is not our fault.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
![[VIDEO] [PARODY] When you Push Directly to Master](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/no_image_card-106-400x247.png)
It’s easy to get along with meteorites.
They're really down to Earth.
A monkey is sitting on a tree, smoking weed…
The lizard walks by, gazes at him in amazement, then asks: “Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?” “I’m smoking bud. Come up here bro, sharing is caring.” So the lizard climbs up the tree and the two smoke a few joints. The lizard isn’t really used to the effects, so he gets dehydrated after a short while… “Monkey, I’m gonna go to the river and get some water, my mouth is soooo dry… I’ll be back.” Little lizard heads to the river, but he’s so high that he stumbles and falls headfirst into the water. Luckily, the crocodile happens to be there, helps him out and asks what’s the deal. “I’m high as balls, croccy. I smoked weed with the monkey.” “Oh really? I wanna get some too.” So the crocodile goes to the monkey’s tree and greets him. “Hi monkey!” The monkey stares at the crocodile in disbelief: “Woooo… damnit lizard, how much water did you drink?”
My wife told me im unable to describe my feelings
Can’t say that I‘m surprised