What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says “What music do you listen to?”
The turbine says “I’m a massive heavy metal fan”
Her: Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?
Me: That’s a…..novel idea.
Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.
I’m trying to find out what the lowest rank in the army is
But everyone keeps saying it's private
I like to tell dad jokes
He always finds them funny
Why did the sculpter evacuate his house?
He had a mold problem
We cannot allow this year to end!!
That would be admitting that 2021
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships?
So they can Scandinavian
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned…
I thought we had good alchemy…
Last night I dreamt I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in
Me: Thanks for reminding me
Why is Kim Jong-Un so chubby?
Because he never had to run for his office
The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.
The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill: "I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!" The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting they hear the voice again: "I bet one Finn can beat a hundred Soviets!" The officer, now enraged, sends a hundred soldiers to silence this cocky Finn. A few minutes of shooting and screaming later, the voice shouts again: "I bet one Finn can beat a thousand Soviets!" The officer is now absolutely furious with this enemy, but knows that nobody could possibly beat 1000 soldiers alone, so he accepts the challenge once more and sends 1000 of his men. Nearly 15 minutes of shooting, screaming, and bright flashes later, a lone Soviet soldier comes crawling back over the hill with severe burns, covered in blood and half of his leg mangled. Panicked, he yells to his comrades: "Don't go up there! It's a trap! There are actually two of them!"
My dad didn’t laugh so hopefully you’ll enjoy.
Chatting on the phone with my dad while he was at work. Dad "I've got a light on my helmet so I look like a miner" Me "No, I would say you look about 40" Not even a chuckle from him 😒
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe it.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple? "Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".
there is love without sex, and there is sex without love.
and then there’s you, without both.
Three guys get stranded on an island where a cannibal tribe lives.
The tribe tells each of them that they’ll let them live if they each go find 10 fruits each, so the guys split up to go find some fruits. The 1st guy comes back with apples and then the cannibal tribe tells him another part to the deal. “You have to put all ten up your butt without making a noise or we’ll execute you.” The man had no choice, so he starts putting the apples up his buy and gets to 4 before the pain is too much and he screams. The tribe executed him. The 2nd guy comes back with berries. They tell him the same thing. He gets to 9 and is about to put the 10th in when he starts laughing hysterically. Executed. The 1st and the 2nd guy are in the afterlife talking. The 1st says to the 2nd, “Why’d you laugh? You were so close?” And the 2nd guy says “Well, I saw the third and he had pineapples.”
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
Mars: I’m wet.
NASA: I’m coming over.
“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”
Son: Dad, you were a helicopter mechanic. Dad: Never said I was a good one.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog
A wife is yelling at her housband “Get out! I hate your guts!”
So her husband packs up his things and walks out the door. As he is walking away his wife screams at him, “ I hope you die a slow and painful death!” He suddenly stops and says, “So, you want me to stay?”
What do you call a psychic dwarf who has escaped from prison?
a small medium at large
I keep telling myself to quit drugs
Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict
My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on
I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.
3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus
6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus
Spent a few hours on the wife’s grave today
It cheers me up and; 2. She still thinks I'm digging a pond. [Note: Not my joke, but made me chuckle]
People say that dad jokes aren’t very clever.
But then I look back on the post that I have saved from a year ago that says otherwise.
2 christians were stranded in a desert.
The first was called John and the second was called Jack. They were extremely hungry and thirsty. In the distance, they saw a mosque gleaming in the middle of no where. John suggested to go and pay the mosque's Imam a visit and ask for some food and water. Jack agreed but suggested to change their names to islamic ones so that the Imam would agree to feed them. John: That is pointless and deceiving. We should introduce ourselves with our real names. Jack: No, or else they won't feed us. From now on call me Mohammed. They made their way to the mosque and met the Imam and told him about their despair. The Imam told John: We have a room filled with food and water. As for you Mohammed, have a blessed Ramadan.
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people
Pun in, 10 dead
Wife: Honey, do you ever pee in the shower?
Husband: Sometimes, but only by accident. Wife: What? How does it happen by accident? Husband: Well, sometimes when I'm pooping, I can't help it.
I just got attacked by a gang of mime artists…
They did unspeakable things to me.
The best dad jokes are unplanned
My family and I were in the car driving down the road the other day. My 5 year old asked for words that rhymed with blue. “Well, there’s glue, two, moo, snoo, zoo, boo..” My 8 year old chimes in, “Daddy, what’s snoo?” My immediate response? “Not much, what’s new with you?” My journey to the dark side has been complete.
The nurse kept insisting my blood was Type-A
I said "NO! IT MUST BE A TYPE-O"
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to “Please be gentle; I’m still a Virgin”.
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband no. 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. "Husband no. 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. "Husband no. 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. "Husband no. 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. "Husband no. 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method. "Husband no. 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. "Husband no. 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it… "Husband no. 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. "Husband no. 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it. "Husband no. 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it….. God I miss him. "But now that I've married you, I'm so excited". "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why? "You're with the "GOVERNMENT" – this time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed."
