What does a cow say on Halloween?
Booooo!
“A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film”
"Gladiator?" "No, I really miss her"
I overheard a man in the changing room
I was in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a phone rings. The guy next to me answers it while he was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I instantly thought, "What a smug bastard!" MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the Metrocentre now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2018 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "£90,000" MAN: "Ok but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000". MAN: "Well, then go ahead but come in at £900,000. They will probably take it but if not, we'll have to do £950,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape…..He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this fuckin phone belongs to?"
The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, "Uh… No, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea." And the lawyer says, "So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
Why was mission control so tense when NASA launched a cow into orbit?
It was a high steaks mission.
I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches…
Whatever you do, do NOT carry them in your back pocket…
The comparisons are strong. Especially for Bram Stoker’s Dracula
The comparisons are strong. Especially for Bram Stoker’s Dracula
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?
Just in case you get a hole in one.
The cops just stopped by and said I was in trouble because my dog was chasing someone on a bike
My dog doesn’t even OWN a bike.
Me Tarzan, you Jane…
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was. Tarzan said, "Ohhh…Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!" Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
My good friend drowned while at the beach last month. I tearfully placed a life preserver on his coffin at the funeral.
It's what he would've wanted.
I’m worried my young daughter might have a future in crime. Today, she found a tree branch on the ground…
She immediately raised it above her head and said, “This is a stick up!” (Credit to my 2.5 year old- inspired by true events)
What do you call a communist sniper?
A Marx-man
A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors, but he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient…
…as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.
Why has the U.S. Surgeon General suggested to cook smoked turkey this Thanksgiving?
Because smoking is bad for your health and you should stop cold turkey.
You should always knock before opening the fridge..
Just in case there is a Salad Dressing
I buy my guns from a T-Rex.
He's a small arms dealer.
The average person has sex 54 times a year…
Tomorrow is gonna be wild!
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c?
Because you can't see in the dark.
In a nutshell, an acorn is just an oak tree
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Wife: I have to tell you something.. I’m pregnant
Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad Wife: No you arent
Support your local mailman
On John's last day as a mailman after 40 years serving the same neighborhood, the first house on his route gave him a nice gift envelope with $100 in cash. At the second house, they gave him a box of high-quality cigars. At the third house, they handed him a selection of great fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by an attractive woman in her lingerie. She took him up to her bedroom and made fabulous love to him. When he was satisfied, she brought him downstairs to the kitchen, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, with eggs benedict and bacon and waffles and pancakes and Espresso. While he enjoyed it, she went to her purse, pulled out a dollar bill, and presented it to him. "All this was lovely," John said, "but what’s the dollar for?" "Well," the woman said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "fuck him. Give him a dollar." "Breakfast was my idea!"
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.
But the ungrateful bitch spat it out.
A boys get invited to his girlfriend’s house for dinner
He gets invited to his girlfriend's house. He stops at the pharmacy and says: "Can I get a condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's house tonight and I think I'm gonna get lucky." "Sure" the pharmacist replies. As he walks out he turns around and says: "Actually, her sister has been giving me the eyes as well. You'd better give me another one" "No problem" the pharmacist replies as he hands over another. He turns to walk out again and turns around: "In fact, the mother has been giving me some signs to. I'm pretty sure she wants me the most. Can I have another?" He takes the 3 condoms and turns up at his girlfriend's house. As they all sit down to eat, they begin to say grace. As the prayer finish and they say amen, the boy keeps his head down. His girlfriend: "Wow, I didn't realise you were so religious" The boy, keeping his head down replied: "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist".
What do interstates eat their peanut butter with?
Traffic jam!
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!" 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
The Jones didn’t have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, “I’m off, honey. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to….." "Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in. "You have?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked a blushing Mrs. Jones. "You just leave everything to me," he replied. "Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for George and me," stated Mrs. Jones. "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Jones. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Jones. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area," he proudly declared. "Oh my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with," he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph. "She was difficult?" Mrs. Jones asked. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers. "Yes," said the photographer. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." "You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?" Mrs. Jones asked. "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod?" asked a very worried Mrs. Jones. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action." "Madam, madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything. "When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim." Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap. But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?" Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach." Stevie replies, "Midnight!"
Whiteboards are remarkable.
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