What does a Hawaiian Muslim say?
Aloha Akbar
Did you know it’s easy to teach girls not to eat tide pods?
It's much harder to deter gents.
Did you know the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France?
They were actually cooked in Greece
This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be “friends with benefits”.
Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?
Met an older lady at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for a 55, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo. I said,"No. But it's my secret fantasy." We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom! you still awake?"
Whenever I’m sad my German friend throws bread at me
A nice game of gluten tag always cheers me up.
It’s not really a meme, and not really science, but it deserves to be in here.
https://ift.tt/2t6a9nD
I told a girl she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
What is the strongest and longest rope in the whole world?
It's Europe. So long and also strong that it is binding all the EU countries.
Here’s an actual joke from my 6 year old
What is the pirates favorite part of the house? The back-yarrrrrghd! He was very proud of this joke and wanted to know if it was a good pun.
I recently discovered I can move my sister’s daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.
I think I have telekinieces.
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Especially since his name is Steve
Sharks have a party in the toilet
No text found
I gave my boss some maracas for Christmas.
He kept talking about how he wants to shake things up.
I dig… You dig… He dig… She dig… We dig… They dig…
Now it's not a very beautiful poem… But it's quite deep
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it
A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing… they keep saying ‘Hi, we’re hot… do you want to *fuck us*?'”
"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots… to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord." So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!"
My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure.
He prescribed two IKEA self assembly wardrobes.
You did, it was a vaccination and that’s why there’s no more smallpox anymore
https://ift.tt/2tvvNSa
I’M A GOOFY RARRI!
I’M A GOOFY RARRI!
How to tell the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats…
I’ll admit, I was wrong about how good my Chiropractor is.
I stand corrected.
My cousin is mute and likes to communicate via embroidery
I guess it's a version of sign language, sew to speak
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
I got hit in the head by a soda can the other day…
Luckily, it was a soft drink!
Why do dragons sleep at day time?
So they can fight knights.
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes
The doctor says it's terminal
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints
I didn’t know why the baseball was getting bigger.
And then it hit me!
What is a Redditors favorite food?
Copypasta!!
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.