What does a horny frog say
Rubbit
Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory..
when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew. “Blimey,” Ed said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.” “Like what?” Ted said. “All twisted like a pigs tail,” Ed said. “Well what’s yours like?” Ted said. “Well straight like normal,” Ed said. “I thought mine was normal `til I saw yours,” Ted said. Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants. “What did you do that for?” Ted said. “Shaking off the excess drops,” Ed said. “Like normal.” “Shit,” Ted said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it!”
Wasn’t sure if I should post this, since it’s only funny under certain circumstances.
certain circumstances. only funny
Why do riot police get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall
I thought to myself, “now that’s a little condescending”
What’s so good about Shrek?
It's just a mediogre movie.
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?” He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there”.
Only Anti-Vaxxers will get this
Measels
After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.
I just handed in my too weak notice.
I used to smoke weed and go to the class…
Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever.
There was a woman who had 100 kids..
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
An atheist is hiking in the woods…
So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror,‟ Oh God,help me!!!” Suddenly,everything–the bear,the trees,the birds,everything but the man–freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears. ‟So,all your life,You deny My existence,yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry,My son,but it is too late.” The atheist thinks quickly. ‟Well,God,if it is too late for me to become a Christian,how about you just convert the bear?” Time begins moving again,and the bear immediately stops its roaring,kneels quietly and respectfully,and begins speaking. ‟O Lord,bless this meal in which I am about to partake…”
Gay jokes aren’t funny
Cum on guys
Guy: I’m hungover
Girl: Stop flirting with me on the walkie talkies, someone’s gonna hear us. Over.
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam show I have ever seen.
Why did the bike stop moving?
Because it was two-tired
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once…
… I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
I found out today my toaster isn’t waterproof.
I was shocked.
My dad is addicted to ladders
He uses them to get high.
Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?
Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left? A. 499 Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator? A. Open door, take elephant out of refrigerator, put giraffe in refrigerator, close door Q. The lion throws a huge birthday party. All the animals but one go. Which is it and why? A. The giraffe: he's still in the refrigerator Q. Sally swims across an alligator infested river and doesn't get eaten. How? A. The alligators are at the lion's birthday party Q. Sally is found dead within the next 5 minutes: why? A. She was hit by a brick falling from the sky
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment complex on his own. He proudly went down to the foyer to put his name on his mailbox.
While he was there, a stunning young blonde came out of the apartment and walked down to the mailboxes, wearing only a bathrobe. The young man smiled at the woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked……her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying with all his effort to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.' Nervously he followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her bathrobe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him……… 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears!!!' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?' 'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural…… I work out every day and my Ass is firm and solid…….i have a 28 inch waist……. Look at my skin – not a blemish anywhere!!!!' How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears!?!' Clearing his throat, he stammered …. 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming that was me.'
What do you get when you cross Father’s Day and Cake day?
Extra Karma… I hope.
What do you call an Irish baker?
A ginger bread man. Just came up with this. Sorry for your eyes.
If you aren’t impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole
you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation
I got my friend a cake in the shape of Pac Man
At least that's what I told him when he saw it.
Why did the man blush when he opened the refrigerator?
He saw the salad dressing.
A furniture store keeps calling me…
All I wanted was one night stand.
I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25
Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.
What do you call a midget party?
…a little get-together.
I tell a lot of dad jokes, but I don’t have kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pas.
An officer and a lawyer were having a discussion in court.
Lawyer: "A woman shot her husband because he stepped on her freshly mopped floor." Officer: "That is correct." Lawyer: "Officer, can you explain why it took you 20 minutes to arrest the woman once you got there?" Officer: "The floor was still wet."
I went to the shop and bought a thesaurus but when I got home, when I opened it, all the pages were blank.
I had no words to describe how angry I was.
Peter Dinklage turned 51 today.
It's been fun watching Dinkl age.
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me: “ok, this isn’t working out.”