What does a janitor say when he jumps out of a closet?
Supplies!
So china is making phones without Google apps now
Guess it was always my way or the huawei i'm so sorry, I tried
My albino terrier was bleeding and a woman asked “is he ok!?”
I just told her that he was all white.
i instantly forget all the things i studied that night
i instantly forget all the things i studied that night
Why did cheese man choose to become a superhero?
For the grater good.
I didn’t think my dad would steal from his job as a road worker.
But when i got home, all the signs were there.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum hiss
My drug test came back negative.
My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes” I’m glad he still has his sense of humor through these tough times
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19…
Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?
I got banned from the secret cooking society…
For spilling the beans.
I wanted a tattoo of the number 3.14 on my arm…
But my wife said that was irrational.
I went on a date with a girl from an online dating website…
… I was worried she'd be fatter than she looked in her pictures. Turns out he wasn't.
Most people are shocked when they find out
how bad an electrician I am.
My wife asked why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid that Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My wife is turning 32 soon…
I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.” “What are you talking about?” she asked. I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”
Here’s a joke about China
[redacted]
I’m going through a lot right now
I cant seem to find a parking spot
Two lesbians go on a date, who pays for it?
The guys that think they're on a double date
An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants
“Euripides?” says the tailor. “Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man.
My son told me my grammar was good.
He meant well.
I wa robbed by six dwarves today.
Not Happy.
Student loans you got me through college
I don’t think I can ever repay you
I don’t usually tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs.
What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I don’t care if she has one.
I went to the most popular NSFW subreddit and was shocked when I sorted by Best.
I can’t believe what this world is coming to.
This cancer game is easy
i'm already on stage 4
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish
I can't stop coming to conclusions
I took my mom to the computer hardware repair store.
It didn't take much time to make my mother bored.
My twin preschool boys were playing with foam letters in the bathtub.
One happened to put the letter T into a toy stacking cup I was holding. I tried to give it to him but he didn't want it. So I turned to my other son and said, "Hmm, guess it's not his cup of T". Neither 3yo got it so I had to tell someone.
I feel bad for deep sea fish..
They have a lot of pressure on them.
A small boy asks his Dad, “Daddy, what is politics?”
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit." Edit: Thank you for silver
My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?
To see the battle.