What does a pear tree do before growing it’s fruit?
It pre-pears
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”
So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal — if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol… Sol… ." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?" "Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
Someone stole my gate
I didn’t say anything because he might take a fence
Why is it so difficult for a T-Rex to masturbate?
Because they're extinct.
I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself
And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"
A man gets shipwrecked on a small island.
After a few days wandering, he comes across a tribe of natives who have just lost their chieftain. The tribe's high priest tells the man that as he is the first outsider they have seen in twenty years, he must take three tests. If he passes all three tests, the tribe will accept him as their new chief. "Fair enough," says the man. "Just let me know what the tests are and I'll get right on them." The priest takes him to a clearing with three straw huts in it, turns to the man and explains the tests. "In the first hut, you'll find 20 gallons of our native beer. You must drink all of this to complete this test. In the second hut is a gorilla with a sore tooth. You must pull his tooth and survive to pass this test. In the third hut is the ex-chieftain's daughter. You must make love to her until she can take no more." The man agrees to the tests and begins the first test. Three hours later, he walks out of the hut and goes toward the second hut. The priest asks if he would like to have a rest, but the man says he wants to get all the tests done before he sleeps. He goes into the second hut. After two hours he comes out covered from head to toe in blood and scratches. He turns to the priest and says "Now lead me to the girl with the sore tooth."
My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an ewok
Wookie mistake.
Halloween Party (NSFW)
A young lady was invited to a Halloween party, and upon arrival she notices a man wearing nothing but a glass jar on his penis… Intrigued, she approaches the man and asks what he's dressed as. "A fireman" he replies "Fireman? How so? You're only wearing a glass jar." She says "Exactly. Break the glass, pull the knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"
Why Americans don’t use metric?
Foot fetish
At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.
“Nervous?” asked the interviewer. “No. I always give 110%”.
I took a selfie after my kidney removal surgery
Hashtag nofilter
Because Shower Thoughts doesn’t allow images I guess
Because Shower Thoughts doesn’t allow images I guess
My French teacher sent us this on our French WhatsApp group and I do not know how to reply
https://ift.tt/3ayg8Cs
Financial collapse in Japan
Origami Bank has folded. Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song. There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank…shareholders are afraid they might get a raw deal. Kamikaze Bank shares have nose-dived. 500 jobs at Karate Bank have been chopped.
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they’re standing too.
Spiral shaped pasta…
really makes me consider the fusillity of life.
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise….
My boss asked “What companies? “ I answered; "Gas, water and electricity."
Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing”…
"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued. "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas – and they're paying their own way."
My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.
“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said. I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
National Dad Conference
Speaker: “I'm glad you could all make it” Whole crowd: in unison “Hi glad you could all make it, We're dad” Speaker: Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit
literally they all complain about kids and talk about hating their wife holy shit
https://ift.tt/2Ocoyq2
Yesterday I went
to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A waist of time.
There will be a baby boom in 9 months.
And in 2033 we shall witness the rise of the quaranteens!!!
If you drop a plate of roasted pork…
…are you still considered ham-fisted?
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
An excited Muslim comes to heaven’s gates.
He asks saint Peter: "I'd like to see Mohammed. Do you know where he is?" "Mohammed? He's not here. I'm just the gatekeeper. You'll need to go higher." And so the Muslim enters. He sees Mary the god bearer sitting on a bench. "Excuse me. Do you know where I could find Mohammed?" "Mohammed? I think he's at work. You'll need to go higher." Having ascended all the way to the top, he sees Jesus standing before him. "Christ, highest of prophets. I'm looking for Mohammed. Please show me the way." "Mohammed you say? You'll need to go higher." Saying that, Jesus rises his hand and a stairway appears. Thankful, the Muslim goes up the long steps. Suddenly, he finds himself in what looks like an office. God, radiating with divine light, welcomes him. "What do you seek?" "Can I see Mohammed?" "Of course but why the rush. Come. Sit down. Would you like a coffee?" "Yes please." "Mohammed! Two coffees please"
3 kids walk into a candy store
The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your jelly beans, young man," he says. The next kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans as well, sir!" So the guy has to do the whole thing again: get the ladder, climb up, grab $1 of jelly beans, climb back down, but before he puts the ladder away, he asks the third kid "are you also wanting $1 of jelly beans?" The kid says "no." So he puts the ladder away again, hands the jelly beans to the second kid, and turns to the third kid. "What can I get you, young man?" The third kid says "I'll have $1.50 of jelly beans, please."
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.
Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.
Grammar
The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.