What does a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh crap, mom is gonna kill me."
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10 A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man. The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each. As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing." The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business…"
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
It may sound far-fetched but it’s true. I watched it all unfold.
New password is “chickenkiev”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
Olive the other reindeer!
A rip off
Be prepared for the reaper cushions.
The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.
we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"? He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"
It was a vial substance.
It's grounds for dismissal.
As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.
They made a joke 21 years ago and people are still laughing at it.
He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.” She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom. Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts. She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free. “Don’t worry, I can fix this” he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work. In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed. He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams. “Good as new, mistress!” She says “This sub really loves reposts.”
And then we'll all be sorry.
If you lose your job you still have to come in.
We haven't got a gig yet.
Because no one wants a blowjob from a girl when her teeth are chattering.
We keep it in the family
I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread…
Dad: "I don't know…where are my dad glasses?"
"You just follow the instructions." "Which instructions?" "Yeah, they're the ones."
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
It was the least I could do.
He was sick of me horsing around
Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.
In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out
A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they’ll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.
The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset. As the sun dips in the sky, here comes the horse back, with a beautiful brunette in the saddle. "Is this your last request?" the chief asks. "Uh, no," says the cowboy. "My last request is to say goodbye to my horse once more." "Ok…" says the chief. The cowboy leans into his horses ear and hisses, "You idiot! I said 'Posse! Posse!"
Son: Dad which one of us do you love more? Father: My love for you is like communism. Daughter: So equally? Father: No, it collapsed 30 years ago.
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't," I said.
Her first husband, Ted, passed away She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they are finally together.” Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret … “Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?” Margaret replied, “I think he means her legs, Ethel . .
Knock Knock Whose there? Grandad QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!