What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I don’t care if she has one.
There would be six feet between us.
Because it's the scenter
She slams the door, waits and watches the man leave. The next day, at 3pm once again, she hears a knock at the door and there stood the man once more. "Do you have a vagina?" The woman slammed the door in his face and watched him walk off through the blinds. Growing more disturbed, she told her husband, who decided to take the day off work in hopes of seeing the man and handling the situation. Sure enough, the next day at 3pm, there is a knock at the door. "That's him," the wife says. The husband tells her, "Open it. I'm going to hide. I want to see where he is going with this." The woman opens the door and the man asks, "Do you have a vagina?" After some hesitation, the woman answers, "Yes." The man then tells her, "Why don't you let your husband use it so he'll leave my wife's alone?"
Prophets are going through the roof.
Seven. If you you remove the S it becomes even. Heard from my nine year old three minutes ago. I’ve never been more proud.
She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
A meltdown. (Told to me by a grandpa earlier today.)
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.
The bartender asks: “What can I get you?” The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”
He gave me a blank stair.
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living. He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine. Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
Tech Support: Thanks for calling our repair shop, how may I help you? Customer: I unplugged my space heater and my computer said “no signal” and went black! Tech support: Does the keyboard or mouse make it turn back on? Customer: No, it doesn’t. Tech support: Did the power strip turn off? Sometimes they trip off when something like that gets unplugged. Customer: No, it’s still on, still has the green light. Tech support: Could you follow the cords on your computer and make sure none are frayed? Customer: (rustle rustle) Okay, both cords are fine. They’re good as new. Tech support: (Thinking, both cords? There should be more than 2 on a desktop) Could you tell me where the cords go? Customer: One goes to the wall, and the other one goes to the space heater. Tech support: The cord on your computer goes to the space heater? Customer: Yes. Tech support: (facepalm) Try plugging the “space heater” back in. Customer: Oh! Now the computer is working again.
He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross between a bald eagle and a harp seal."
Because Logan Paul left him hanging
A black kid walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, "Look Mama, I'm a white boy!" His mother smacks him and says, "Go to your Daddy and say wbat you just said!" The boy finds his father and says, "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy!" His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, "Now what do you have to say about yourself?" The boy replies, "I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!"
Is it a noble gas?
A boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran- Grandpa: It's your dog, he is dead Jimmy
He looks at his sasquatch.
With iPhone accessories.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
Actual conversation today. My wife: “i’m tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?”
Me: I don't know. Emerg? Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine? Me: Sleep medicine? Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need? Me: Probably night school. edit: yes, I know it's an awful dad joke, but it happened on the fly and its the greatest thing i've ever accomplished, so please, let me have it.
It was mother fucking gold
and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track
I said "6' 2", but good guess."
This post says otherwise
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian…..
…. an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub… The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.
Lets look at the board and I'll go through it again….