What does a robot do after sex
Nuts and bolts
My driving examiner told me to do an emergency stop.
So I drove him to the hospital. He couldn't have been ill though, because he didn't get out.
What do you give to a sick pig?
Oink-ment
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her
I turned her down I don't like high maintenance women
A drunk man staggers into an empty church. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he’s right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it.
"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ma job, ma wife lef' me, ma kids ran 'way, and today ma dog died! Jus' you wait! I'ma come back with ma shotgun and give ya what for!" And then he leaves, cursing and shouting all the way. Meanwhile, the priest has been hiding in the back and saw the whole thing. He doesn't want any trouble, so he calls up a couple of friends, and together they take the big crucifix down and hide it. As an afterthought, the priest leaves a small desk crucifix in its place. Sure enough, the drunk man comes back with his shotgun. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the tiny crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right in front of it, he leans over real close and says, "Hey, kid, where's yer dad at?"
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
My daughter yelled at me, “DAAAAAAAD! You haven’t been listening to a word I’ve said, have you?”
What a strange way to start a conversation
Shout out to my GPS
I don't know where I'd be without it
If I were American, I’d vote Bernie…
But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump
I suspected my girlfriend was a ghost right from the beginning
Starting with the moment she walked through those doors.
TIL: If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Barber: Mr. Bond, you are turning old and grey. Would you like me to colour your hair?
Janes Bond: No thanks. Dye another day.
I bought a chicken to make sandwiches…
It doesn’t. It poops on my floor.
Why doesn’t the moon shave?
Because it waxes
I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.
I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
I’m an American, and I’m sick of people saying, “America is the stupidest country in the world.”
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
I asked a poor pirate why he had a seagull on his shoulder instead of a proper parrot.
"Arrrr…it were on sail."
Here’s the thing about cliff hangers
No text found
Why are 1 and 3 jealous of 2?
Because it’s Tuesday.
I don’t know if this qualifies but I laughed when I first saw it and now it makes me sad…
https://ift.tt/2SRCrwy
At the end of a soccer game in Japan, the players are starting performing martial arts…
Its what they call Ninjary time.
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
Endgame Joke
At the end of the film, Tony Says "I am Ironman" The line should have been "Hi Inevitable, I'm Dad"
What does a grape say when it’s squashed?
Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.
Came across an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”
I thought, “I can’t turn that down”
3 rednecks were working on a cell tower…
Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.' Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' 'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow." ' She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.' Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
Why didn’t the husband try to catch his wife when she was falling down while she was carrying clean laundry?
He wanted to watch it all unfold!
I should apologize to my toilet…
I gave it a lot of shit this morning (Long time stalker, heres my first dad joke!)
